The Lamp of My Head

Farewell At the Front Porch

2011-12-22T20:54:00.000-08:00

I do not have the heart to face you and personally say farewell to you. It has been a long four months that I have had with you as my boyfriend. I say that it is long because it was so tumultuous. We only had practically two and a half months of peace and happy days spent together. After this, everything fell apart. I am already suffering emotionally and mentally because of this relationship of ours and I believe you were too. I loved your natural behavior and the warmth I felt when I was with you. But then, suddenly it’s gone. Now I had to admit that I’m getting tired; the things that I once loved about him before had turned into something miserable. You’re far more different than I expected. I wish I could tell you how I feel but I really couldn’t. I spend most of my night in fever, crying, trying to figure out what to do about it till finally I arrived at a dead end. “Do I still want it?” At first, I thought I want it to be over. Things between us, it has to be done as soon as possible before it gets hurt even more. Or maybe, it doesn’t have to be over, and I have to be the one holding this feeling inside, which I’m getting tired to do. Tears started to run down my cheeks and when I touch it I realized, if I don’t love you no more, I wouldn’t be crying right this instance. But, no matter how many times I tell you or show you, you never really understand how I feel and again, I’m sick of doing it over and over again. It seems to me; even when I have you, you’re not there for me anymore.

I’m sorry that I haven’t been the perfect one for you. I hope I’m not writing this as my final goodbye to you; it’s too difficult to say so I’m writing this down. You’ve been a great guy and will always remain special, but you have to understand that I have all this duties before we even got together and I can’t leave it. We have to confess that our worlds are different. For all these time that I’ve known my self, I can’t figure out the reason why I’ve been acting so cold to you. I know I said, “If there’s a problem we should work it out” but now I’m giving you a cold shoulder like I don’t even wanna talk to you. I know you made mistakes, made me mad and stop talking. I made this drag on so long and keep blaming you for what happened where it was my fault instead. I guess it is me who’s been going round slamming the door. If only you know what the biggest fear is… I’ll turn around and said “I don’t love you no more”

I wanna be able to share everything but I can’t. I know you told me that you always be there for me no matter what, then I find out that you say that every time but by the time I really really need you and want you with me, you’re not there. I’m sorry that I’m too busy and I never have anytime for you but you have to know, everything that I did, being a president and all that, those are the only thing that keeps me alive, even when sometimes I complain about it, I love doing that and I love the people, that’s why I’m really sorry that I could never give up those things for you and if you can’t accept that, then maybe you’re not for me. Sometimes I think, maybe I can take you to be in it, but then I know you wouldn’t want it because it’s not your world. I’m sorry that maybe I don’t know how to feed you into my world and show everyone that I have you here; no matter how much I want you to feed in, maybe you just don’t want to.

Right now, I’ll keep my heart in a little box and I’ll give it to you when you’re ready. If you really want it, please show me that you want it not just telling me that you want it. I’ll be waiting until you’re ready to make me understand what I meant for you. I’m sorry for all the thing that I did, if you really want to leave me, I’ll understand… Thanks for all the times you gave me, and the all the times you're there with me, I really appreciate it more than anything. and thank you for all the flowers and cokes you bought for me to put away my sorrow, and I'm sorry for the last flowers you left on the front porch. Really sorry...

Cinta Bumblebee I

2011-08-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

Apa yang terjadi kali ini memang di luar kendali, tapi ungkapan ini bukanlah suatu berita buruk yang setiap saat tercantum dalam koran yang di antar setiap jam enam pagi. Haruskah aku menyebut namanya atau sembunyikan saja? Biarkan mereka menebak siapa yang dimaksud. Demi apapun, ini adalah salah satu cerita yang sulit diungkapkan, entah kenapa semua flashback tentang dirinya seakan hilang, lenyap entah kemana, tiba-tiba menajam pada suatu malam. Kamu mungkin satu-satunya pembaca blog ini yang memperhatikan setiap detail dari huruf-huruf yang tersusun rapi di sela-sela bagian kosong dari halaman ini. Just so you know, bener-bener susah mendeskripsikan dirimu. Apa yang kuingat tentangmu mungkin tidak sebanyak hal-hal yang kuingat tentang orang lain, namun, apa yang kuingat tentang orang lain itu tidak sedalam yang kuingat tentang dirimu. Terakhir kali yang kuingat adalah seseorang yang berbaring di ranjang, dibungkus selimut orange, terlihat seperti es lilin rasa jeruk. Ada lebam di bagian matamu dan goresan jahitan dari hidung hingga pipi. Baru aku tahu kalau tiap manusia bisa terlihat lemah, bahkan dirimu. Sembari berdiri disamping ranjangmu, terlintas selang bening yang mengalirkan cairan infus bermuara ke dalam pembuluh darahmu. Entah apa ekspresi yang harus kuberikan.

Aku selalu teringat akan dirimu setiap kali kupegang tempat CD merah bertuliskan “Pinnacle” satu-satunya barangmu yang ada padaku sebelum kamu terbaring disini. Feeling-ku berkata kalau barang ini harus cepet-cepet dikembalikan, takutnya tiba-tiba kamu pulang entah kemana dan berhenti kuliah gara-gara kena bahaya. Sayangnya, barang itu tak terbawa saat aku menjengukmu. Tapi tiba-tiba kamu mengingatkanku pada celana ungu yang terpendam selama bertahun-tahun di almariku, kita impas. Kubawa CD-mu, kau bawa celanaku. Maaf aku harus berbohong padamu kalau CD-nya udah diinstal, padahal barang itu hanya tergeletak di atas meja belajarku. Bahkan belum terpikir sekalipun untuk mulai menginstall, entah kenapa CD itu seakan tidak mau lepas dari tanganku, sampai kecelakaan itu terjadi padamu. Hari itu juga aku berjanji padamu untuk mengantarkan CD-nya kepadamu tepat setelah ujian blok 1.6, yang akhirnya enggak kulakukan karena kamu udah pulang. Kukira itulah hari aku harus berpisah dengan CD itu, ternyata kamu memberiku waktu ektra buat menjaganya. Hari berikutnya aku merasa bersalah, akhirnya, kumasukkan kepingan CD itu ke computer dan memulai proses yang seharusnya sudah kulakukan berbulan-bulan yang lalu. ERROR, ERROR, ERROR tulisan ini secara rutin muncul di layar komputerku. Aaaaarrrggghhh, 3 jam sudah aku bergelut dengan teknologi buat menginstall, tapi apa daya, CD-nya enggak kooperatif, sampai-sampai harus kulampiaskan amarahku ke keyboard yang untungnya enggak rusak. Setelah sekian jam merasa bodoh dan gaptek, akhirnya aku bertanya padamu gimana cara nginstallnya yang pada akhirnya juga enggak ngefek soalnya tetep gak bisa diinstal. Mau nginstall aja ribet banget!

Bagaikan susunan kartu domino yang dijatuhin, sms itu berlanjut, sampai suatu saat…

Figure Out Why You Did It!

2011-07-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

Why do I ...

1. Walk like a guy, not graceful or appealing?

I'm not gonna change the way I walk. Because it's the only thing Grandma left for me.

2. Sneeze after meal?

That's genetic. Dad does that too..

3. Always talk out loud?

Idk. I just do.. You should see Dad talks...whoa...he's loud. Well, I guess it's another genetic thing.

4. Have a funny laugh?

To make other people laugh too, even if they don't really know what so funny.. at least I don't laugh alone.

5. Watch movies over and over?

I'm trying to memorize the lines, trust me, it'll be more fun if you know all the lines.

6. Cry with no reason?

If you see me do this, well, I'm going through my PMS.

7. Listen to rock music?

It's the only way I can scream without actually screaming...weird... I know. SUM 41 rocks! People who can stand rock music are immune to headache...yeah right!

8. Carry notebook all the time?

I have problem expressing thing, every time I can't say it, I'll write it down and let people read it.

9. Look mean?

I'm only mean if I have to. I'm pretty tough, thats all..

10. Laugh when I cry?

So I can save my self. When I'm crying, I feel as if I was falling down the cliff, but when I laugh, I'm grabbing a tree branch near by so I can pull myself up. That's why I laugh when I cry.

It's Her

2011-03-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

She’s here, putting her mind up above, trying not to catch it back. It’s probably better for her to stay silence for the rest of her life. No complain; nothing. But, is it really worth it? Some people say that she’s a criminal for writing the truth about things and publish it; some say she’s a hero, for revealing what’s right and what’s wrong. It never bothers her that much. There’s nothing much to say about her, no word available to describe what is she like? She’s not a mystery to solve, she’s not a box to open, and maybe she’s just her. Doing whatever she wants, whatever she thinks is right. Her favorite place is, wherever she can be herself, wherever she doesn’t have to pretend, she hates pretending! But she can’t avoid it; many times she’s forced to do it, to hold all the people that she treasured the most.

She has trouble expressing what she really feel, to anyone, she keeps it inside her for so long until she can find someone to pour it all over together, someone she trusts the most. She’s easily feel bad, sensitively touched, she feels guilty all the time even though she did nothing wrong. Many years she’s been trying to fix it, but still no solution. She keeps feeling guilty…until now. She loves helping people till she forgets to help herself. Is it really worth it? For her? It depends, whenever she feels like helping, sharing difficultness with people, she finds it easy and she will say “piece of cake” However, whenever she helps based on pity, she’ll say “why did I take this job? It’s irritating me!”

Her best friend keeps telling her that she’s a goob. Whenever she’s hungry, she babbles, fifteen minutes later she loses her hunger. She tells her best friend “Nobody’s perfect, we’re not perfect. Everyone’s a goob, I'm just the rare kind of goob” She’s been together side by side with her best friend for couple years until they’re going to different faculties. She goes to Medical Faculty, her best friend’s at the Pharmacy. She remembers the time they got dump by boyfriends at High school at nearly the same time. Down in an empty journalism room, they’re crying, sometimes laughing in between, and then crying again. Tonight, she’s picturing it, hoping that it won’t happen again. It was a sweet memory of them, comforting each other, trying to make each other better. She wonders will she ever be able to see her best friend again. Because she misses her so much…there’s so much to tell. She can only hope that her best friend will be happy, no matter where her best friend is. If her best friend is in front of her right now, she’ll say “it doesn’t matter where you are, it only matters who you’re with”
She’s having this trouble appraising why did she say "yes" to someone. The answer is,
“I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me” (quoted from Runaway Bride). She wishes the answer is that simple, but she will not use someone else’s word. She hasn’t been in love for long; she forgets what it’s like to be loved. Maybe that’s why she feels guilty a lot, because she afraid to lose someone who she cares about. She’s been playing it safe all along.
She’s a goober, many people find it really disturbing, but he doesn’t. He sees the other side of her. Probably he thinks being a goober is pretty cool or funny. It’s amusing for him, but no one knows what he thinks except him. For him, she collects ten things she hates about herself just to tell him how she feels because she can’t seem to find the perfect words for him. There’s a time when she wonders, “Do you love me because you need me? Or you need me because you love me?” She really doesn’t know what to say, she can only tell him “You see me from the other side and I hope you stay that way”
She’s a midget! Millions of people call her that, but she doesn’t care! Because for her, she’s not short, others just too tall. Once again, nobody’s perfect.
She’s average! Well, she thinks it’s true, even though sometimes she thinks she’s outstanding. Her life is like a rotating wheel, up and down every single time. Sometimes she’s at the top, and sometimes she’s at the bottom, however, that’s life! She prefers knowledge way better than grades. She chooses understanding much more than memorizing, and of course she picks remembering more than just knowing. She complains a lot sometimes, but then five minutes later she’s wondering “What was I complaining about?” Her life’s complicated! People might see her as a wealthy girl who can have everything she wants, but she’s not. You might see her life as a paradise but it really is not. She works hard to get what she wants (at least that’s what she thinks) She had to be at the top of the class so she can get her first cell-phone, by the next semester she fell to the third place, her father took her cell-phone back. By the time she reached the top again, she won her cell-phone back. Life’s hard but fair…so far.
She’s clumsy, yes it’s true…she admits it. She fell off her motorcycle more than ten times, one time she left two scratchy scars on her back and four stitches on her head. It was a horrible memory. On her way to the beach she broke the wheel of her first car, cost her lots of money and efforts to fix it. Not to mention, she trips a lot, perhaps, for some people, falling down is the most embarrassing moment you could ever had, in contrast, for her, falling down is another chance to find the way up, learning to stand up all over again. She sneezes every time she finished her meal; it’s specially genetic from her father.
She has a ‘mirror’ well at least it used to be a ‘mirror’. Her sister, who’s two years older than her. She used to feel like she’s living underneath her sister’s shadow…”living in a shadow in someone else’s dream” But it’s all over now, she’s not there anymore. She made her own shadow and defined her own pathway. She escaped from the ‘mirror’. It’s not broken but it’s still there, only she never looked at it anymore. She now focused on her own reflection.
There’s so many things stay-hidden underneath her, she just never had the guts to let it out. Perhaps, she doesn’t have to let it out, some things are better if it stays hidden until it’s ready to burst out. It’s all based on how you dig the mud and how you solve the puzzle. If you ask her who she is, she probably can never answer that, because she has no idea. Well, the bottom line, it doesn’t matter who you are.
“It’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that divines you” (quoted from Batman Begins)
That quote was never right for her. The most important thing is who you are deep down inside. Do whatever you want, but let your ‘underneath’ guides you. It might take a while to figure out what this writing really means but eventually you’ll understand. I guess she has to learn how to stop using the word ‘she’ and start using the word ‘I’

James Morrison : You Make It Real

2011-03-22T02:40:00.000-07:00

There's so much craziness surrounding me,
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me,
You make it real for me

When I'm not sure of my priorities,
When I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
And like holy water washing over me,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak,
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand,
You've got to be the only one who knows just who I am
And you're shining in the distance,I hope I can make it through
'Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn,
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run,
You make it real for me
And I am running to you baby,
'Cause you are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for meYou make it real for me

(Found So Many Songs to Tell How I Feel...)

I Built My Own Birthday Cake...

2011-03-11T20:30:00.000-08:00

It's kinda ruined becauseI filled up the pan, believe it or not, it tastes good...haha... Spent 6 eggs and 150 grams of butter, and a bottle of strawberry jam, but it's all worth it..

* I sort of burned the bottom part though, but whatever...hahaha

LOL

Old Is A Destiny, Mature Is A Duty

2011-03-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

“Being old is a destiny but being mature is a duty,” my sister said that last year on my 18th birthday, I kept recalling it until this day comes and she didn’t say that again, probably she knew that I will always remember it. March 12th 2011, I’m 19 years old now, still trying to figure out who I am and what to do with my life. Too bad, I’m still thinking about that. Sometimes I think, “When am I gonna stop thinking about all these things and come up with an answer?”
Well, how old I’m going to be until I find out what the answer is? Could be tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, hopefully the next 100 years. Trying to remember what I’ve been doing for the last 18 years of my life, I’m going back through the sand of time, collecting whatever I’ve got.
I was in high-school last year, but now I’m in college, preparing myself to be a good doctor. That’s a step up, I guess. How many friends I had last year? Well, I don’t know, but look at your friends now! They’re all wonderful and for sure, I have more friends than last year. Look at Dad; he got what he always dreamed of, I’m happy for that. I’ve never seen Dad do happy until today. This year I could came up with my own decision to make-up my score, which I’ve never done before. The truth is, I could never mention everything that I’ve got from last year, because there’s too much.
It’s true that I am never able to change the past, but I can always fix it, things keep changing, nothing’s permanent except change. It made me realize that, I would never stop thinking about who I am and what I’m gonna do with my life? As long as I live, that’s what I’ll think about, it’s who I am. It doesn’t matter how much I got from last year, but it does matter what I’m gonna achieve this year. This moment I sing to myself…finding words that means so much to me…

MY WISH
Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walking till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

10 Things I Hate About Myself

2011-03-03T01:16:00.000-08:00

I hate the way I talk to you whenever I’m nervous because I always babbling so fast that I couldn’t stop.

I hate the way that I never complain about how you drive my car

I hate the way I could never tell how I feel about you and how I feel about myself

I hate it the way I laugh when you’re driving me crazy with all your jokes and every time you win the argument

I hate it when I make you feel bad because I never ask anything from you

I hate it that I’m not as good as you are in anything that I couldn’t mention

I hate the way I say “always” whenever you say “forever”

I hate the way I can’t stop smiling every time I see your face

I hate it when I make you cry; even worse knowing the fact that I don’t want to hurt you

But mostly, I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Tak Ada Yang Lebih Hebat Dari Beliau

2011-03-03T01:09:00.000-08:00

Sayangnya, telah terhapus dari ingatanku kapan peristiwa ini terjadi. Satu – satunya saat dimana kedua mataku terbuka akan takdir yang telah diberikan Tuhan kepadaku.

“Mau setinggi apa cita – citanya, perempuan itu ujung-ujungnya cuman jadi Ibu!” suatu kalimat yang serasa menusuk dipikiranku. Entah kenapa pernyataan ini sungguh mengganggu. Apa yang salah?

Suara kendaraan berlalu lalang disekitarku seakan mengiring perjalananku bersama Mama untuk membeli bahan – bahan persiapan Pengukuhan Guru Besar Papa. Kadang aku heran dengan sikap Mama, kenapa tak pernah terlintas sedikitpun sifat kompetitifnya? Biasanya aku melihat Mama dan Papa bergaul dengan teman suami istri yang tingkat pendidikannya hampir sama. Tapi melihat Mama dan Papa, ada sesuatu yang berbeda.

“Mah,” sahutku.

Mama menengok ke arahku, menyampaikan rasa penarasannya melalui alur – alur di wajahnya.

“Mama bahagia nggak?” tanyaku. “Papa-kan udah jadi Proffesor?”

Dengan senyuman serentak, “Ya jelas bahagia dong! Masa enggak bangga suaminya jadi proffesor?”

Tanpa melihat senyuman Beliau, aku langsung melontarkan pertanyaan keduaku, memang agak krusial, tetapi aku ingin tahu apa sudut pandang Mama tentang ini. “Apa Mama enggak pernah merasa gimana gitu? Papa-kan professor, Mama lulusan UGM tapi enggak ngajar di UGM.”

Mama cuman terdiam, seakan tidak mengerti apa yang aku tanyakan.

Akhirnya aku menanyakan kalimat yang menusuk itu, ”Kenapa banyak istri – istri temennya Mama Papa yang bilang ’ Mau setinggi apa cita – cita perempuan itu, ujung-ujungnya cuman jadi Ibu’?”

Setelah mendengar pertanyaanku, Mama tersenyum lagi. ”Mana yang menurut Nisa lebih baik?” tanya Beliau. ”Jadi ibu, punya karier yang buaguss, tapi anaknya ditinggal? Atau jadi ibu yang mengorbankan kariernya sebentar saja untuk bersama anak – anaknya?”

Refleks aku memilih yang kedua. Tapi kemudian aku bertanya lagi, ”Kenapa wanita lebih bangga dengan kariernya? Entah itu dokter, business woman, artis, dll?”

”Nah, sekarang, mana yang lebih sulit?” Mama bertanya lagi. “Jadi Dokter atau jadi Ibu?“

Aku berpikir, mungkin menurut realitaku, jadi dokterlah yang lebih sulit, sehingga tanpa pikir panjang, aku menjawab, “Jadi dokter.“

“Kenapa dokter?“

“Ya soalnya rumit, Ma. Kan harus sekolah dulu dan sebagainya.“

“Jadi ibu sekolah enggak?“

“Enggak“

“Nah, itu dia,“ jawab Mama.

Tapi aku masih bingung apa maksudnya. Dengan kening berkerut aku bertanya,“Lho kok? Maksudnya?“

Mama cuman tersenyum,“Banyak orang bisa jadi dokter, karena ada yang membimbing, kalau udah selesai sekolah, dapat gelar.“

“Lha terus?“

“Dimana Nisa bisa belajar jadi seorang ibu?“ Mama bertanya.

Kali ini aku benar – benar enggak bisa jawab, jadi ibu itu enggak ada sekolahnya, untuk jadi ibu kita harus langsung jadi ibu. Namun, aku masih mencari – cari jawaban, siapa tahu memang ada cara mudah untuk menjadi ibu. “Ya belajar sama Mama dong.“

“Iya kalau Mama bisa, kalau enggak?“

Aku semakin bingung dihujani pertanyaan – pertanyaan yang berliku – liku. Kenapa enggak bilang aja apa jawabannya?

“Yang bisa jadi ibu untuk anak – anak Nisa nanti ya cuman Nisa. Mama nggak bisa mengajarkan, Nisa harus belajar sendiri,“ jawab Mama.

”Kenapa, Ma?” saat itu aku mulai diselimuti ketakutan, entah ketakutan akan apa, aku enggak bisa menjelaskan kenapa takut.

. “Mama cuman bisa nunjukin jalannya ke Nisa, selanjutnya, terserah Nisa mau melewatinya gimana, asalkan Nisa bisa membawa anak – anaknya Nisa ke jalan itu.”jawab Mama lagi. ”Jalani aja kehidupan Nisa sesuai apa yang ditakdirkan saat ini,” ujar Mama lagi.

”Nisa tahu, ma. Jadi ibu itu enggak gampang, tapi kenapa Nisa jarang lihat perempuan yang seneng jadi ibu? Kalo suaminya berkarir atau dapet gelar, dia pasti iri dan pengen dapet gelar juga,” jawabku.

”Orang itu beda – beda, Nisa. Ada yang rela berkorban dan ada juga yang enggak. Nah, Nisa termasuk yang mana?” tanya Mama.

”Menurut Mama yang mana?” aku balik bertanya.

”Ya, semua itu kembali ke Nisa,” ujar Mama. ”Kalau Nisa percaya Allah tidak akan memberikan apapun kepada umat-Nya kecuali jika sudah siap menerima, ya berati Nisa termasuk yang rela berkorban.”

Inilah pertama kali aku mendapat kata – kata penuntun dari Mama. Allah tidak akan memberikan apapun kepada umat-Nya kecuali jika sudah siap untuk menerima. ”Gimana Nisa bisa tahu kalau Nisa udah siap?” aku bertanya lagi.

”Ya, selama ini Nisa berdoa apa?”

“Doanya banyak, Ma“

“Sebutin satu aja deh,“ kata Mama.

Akupun berpikir, doa apa yang akan kupilih sebagai contoh. ”Ya, jadi orang yang beruntung, deh.”

”Lha sekarang udah beruntung belum?”

“Enggak tahu, Ma,“ jawabku. “Hidup aja kan udah bisa dibilang beruntung.“

“Ya, yang spesifik lagi deh,“ ujar Mama.

”Dapet nilai A selama satu semester ini,” jawabku langsung.

”Udah dapet A semua belum?”

Aku langsung memasang muka gundahku, ”Belum, Ma.”

Entah kenapa Mama langsung ketawa, “Ya berarti belum siap. Mungkin masih harus banyak belajar atau mungkin emang ada suatu alasan Nisa belum bisa dapat A, dan alasan itu Nisa belum atau enggak tahu.“

Tapi sebelum Mama memulai pertanyaan barunya, aku mulai mengerti, Mama termasuk wanita yang rela berkorban. Mengurus tiga orang anak bukan hal yang mudah, Papa juga enggak mungkin melakukannya sendirian. Papa perlu Mama. Bisa aja Mama lebih memilih untuk sekolah S2, S3, atau bahkan sampai proffesor juga, tapi seandainya Mama memang memilih jalan itu, Papa enggak mungkin berdiri di podium pada tanggal 24 Februari 2011 membacakan naskah pidato pengukuhannya dihadapan para dewan penilai Universitas Gadjah Mada, para tamu undangan, dan juga keluarganya. Air mata mulai menetes ke pipiku saat terkenang pembicaraan dengan Mama saat itu.

Di ujung ruangan, barisan pertama, Mama terduduk diam, dengan busana berwarna merah tembaga Beliau menatap pria podium berbalut toga dengan kumis tebalnya yang telah tersemir hitam. Air mata haru tampak mengalir di sekujur pipi Mama. Limpahan air mata yang semakin deras bagaikan air terjun Niagara seraya Papa menamai Mama sebagai istri tercantik dan luar biasa. Pengorbanan Mama untuk Papa menjadi bagian terbesar dari pencapaian ini. Seandainya Mama tidak melirik sedikitpun, Papa tidak akan menjadi guru besar pada usia semuda ini.

Sebenarnya apa yang harus dibanggakan dalam diri perempuan? Jika ada jiwa pengorbanan dalam dirinya, apapun bisa dibanggakan, bahkan bisa diandalkan. Mana yang harus perempuan pilih? Karier atau menjadi Ibu? Kenapa harus memilih? Kita bisa jadi dua – duanya, tidak perlu memilih. Seperti yang telah disampaikan berulang – ulang, Allah tidak akan memberikan apapun kepada umat-Nya kecuali jika sudah siap untuk menerima.

Ucapkanlah kalimat ini saat kita berdoa, memohon petunjuk kepada-Nya. Tidak peduli apa yang dikatakan orang lain, aku telah membuat kalimatku sendiri, “Mau setinggi apa cita – citanya, perempuan pasti bisa jadi Ibu!”

Demon and Evil...

2011-02-03T06:32:00.000-08:00

Sekitar tahun 1995, kata Mama itu saat pertamaku dikerjain sama Mbak Utik…haha..sial! Gara – gara ngefans ma ikan aku jadi kena getahnya! Waktu itu kita lagi di RM Tengger, Jawa Timur. Seperti anak – anak kecil pada umumnya, aku dan Mbak Utik keluyuran bolak – balik gak jelas..haha. Skenarionya…
MU: “Nis, sini! Itu ikannya banyak!” (sambil menunjuk kea rah kolam ikan)
Karena kemampuan berpikir yang belum berkembang dan belum rasional, akhirnya aku menghampiri Mbak Utik.
MU: “Eh, kamu suka ikan kan? Tuh, diambil aja…”
Dengan wajah bego aku cuman ngeliatin ikan yang dengan riang renang-renang…
AQ: “Gamau, kolamnya dalem…”
MU: “Enggak dalem kok. Coba masuk dulu, ntar aku ikut deh…”
Sebodoh-bodohnya seorang adik mungkin gak bakal melakukan hal segila ini.
AQ: “Takut ah. Dalem.”
MU: “Udah cepetan! Gak dalem kok…” (sambil ndorong2)
Sedikit demi sedikit lama – lama menjadi bukit… Dorongan yang lemah sekalipun, kalau dilakukan berulang – ulang bisa menyebabkan TERPELESET! Byurrr!!! Wah, sialan! Bayangin seorang anak berumur 3 tahun berada dalam kolam yang bukan miliknya. MALUUU!!!
Lupa akan janjinya, Mbak Utik malah lari menjauhi kolam dan gak kembali… Setelah tangisan berkesinambungan, tatapan menahan tawa dari para pengunjung RM. Tengger, aku mencoba bangkit; memanjat tepikolam yang setinggi gunung itu…sial! Anak kecil bermuka merah ini menapaki koridor restoran, mencoba menemukan dimana orangtuanya.
AQ: “Ma, nisa basah…”
Mata mama langsung terbelalak antara marah dan tawa; dua pilihanyang sangat kontroversi saat anaknya mengalami musibah keisengan.
Mama:” Lho? Kok bisa basah??”
AQ: “Kecebur kolam…”
Mama: “Ngapain nyebur kolam?”
AQ: “Disuruh Mbak Utik…”
Setelah ini aku gak begitu ingat apa yang terjadi, tapi kayaknya Mbak Utik enggak dimarahin. Mungkin Mama dan Papa masih memaklumi apa yang terjadi. “Biasalah, namanya juga anak kecil”
Arrrggghhh!!! Sayangnya Mama dan Papa enggak tahu apa dampak ‘enggak marahin’ untuk masa depan keselamatanku sebagai adik. Huaaaa…

Beberapa tahun setelah insiden kolam ikan, seumur hidup baru kali ini aku merasa MENANG melawan Mbak Utik..HAHAHA!!! Pasti enggak ada anak kecil yang memiliki kegeniusan seperti ini semasa hidupnya!! Wuzz…

Menjelang Maghrib, di dapur, dua bersaudara ini sedang main – main dengan damainya. Sampai suatu saat ada sebuah konfik (sampai sekarang belum terpecahkan apa penyebabnya) seingatku sih tentang siapa yang kalah waktu maen…haha…gak penting..pokoknya ada konflik. Beruntunglah anda karena tidak berada di ruangan yang sama saat itu, bayangin kalo kucing lagi kawin..berisiknya kayak gitu, bedanya, ini bukan kawin, melainkan BERANTEM! Dari cambak – cambakan, pukul – pukulan, sampai cakar – cakaran ada semua disini! Film action yang masuk Box Office aja kalah!! Rugi tuh filmnya, coba ada adegan kayak gini..pasti tambah laku..hehe..
Pertarungan tetap seri sampai akhirnya, sebuah teklek (sandal kayu yang buat di dapur) teraih oleh sang Kakak; diayunkan tepat ke bagian belakang kepala si Adik…’Cethakk!!!’ dari bunyinya udah kebayang rasa sakitnya kayak apa. Akhirnya pertarungan ini dimenangkan oleh sang Kakak yang meninggalkan ruangan dengan wajah puas sementara adiknya tergeletak menangis kesakitan dengan telapak tangan yang mebalut kepalanya.
Sendirian tengkurep di lantai dengan kepala benjol, kira – kira apa yang dirasakan si Kecl ini?
1. Sakit luar dan dalam
2. Kecewa karena kalah
3. Dendam
4. Marah, dan berbagai macam perasaan lainnya yang tidak terhitung jika diungkapkan dalam satu cerita.
Apa yang harus dilakukan anak malang ini???
Haruskan ia lari ke kamar dan gak pernah keluar sampai sang Kakak minta maaf? Tapi menurut sejarah, sang Kakak memang enggak pernah minta maaf atas keisengannya.
Atau mungkin marah pada sang Kakak dan minta pertanggungjawaban??? Mau marah apa enggak kayaknya enggak bakal ngefek ke sang Kakak, lagian minta pertanggungjawaban apa? Emang sang Kakak bisa mbetulin kepala benjol? No way!
Ya udah, telpon Mama Papa aja gimana? Enggak mungkin! Belum tahu bakat sang Kakak kalo ngeles ma ortu..bisa senjata makan tuan kalo gini caranya!
Atau…hmmm…itu botol apa ya??? Tiba – tiba pandangan si Kecil tertuju pada botol kecil dengan tutup warna merah bertuliskan “Pewarna Kue; Merah Tua” Huahuahua . . . “tiada ampun bagimu, kakak!”
Tanpa pikir panjang, si Kecillangsung menuang isi botol itu ke kepalanya yang saat itu terlihat seperti buar pir. Nyesss…cairan merah langsung merembes; melumuri setiap helai rambutnya dan menjalar ke bajunya yang berwarna terang, bagaikan darah segar yang memancar keluar dari pembuluh darah.
Di dalam, hatinya puas! Tapi di luar, wajah terluka dan kesakitan masih terekspose…hahaha…kira – kira gimana ya reaksinya?
Dengan langkah sunyi, si Kecil menuruni tangga untuk menuju kamarnya, ia mengendap – endap mencari moment yang tepat untuk mempelihatkan dirinya yang udah kayak korban kecelakaan, hahaha…sang Kakak sedang nonton TV tuhh. Isakan tangis palsu mulai terdengar menggetarkan ruangan, pandangan sang Kakak akhirnya tertuju pada adiknya. TADAAA….
Si Kecil berlari ke kamarnya; dengan cepat memendam mukanya ke bantal. Tiba – tiba muncul suara ayunan pintu terbuka.
“Nis, maaf ya?” terdengar suara sang Kakak dengan nada menyesal.
Tanpa mengangkat mukanya si Kecil langsung menjawab, “Enggak mau! Mbak Utik Jahat ma Nisa!”
“Maaf, nis. Aku enggak akan ngulang lagi wis”
“Dari dulu bilang kayak gitu tapi ngulangggg terus!” kata si Kecil sambil menaikkan wajahnya dari permukaan bantal. Sambil mengusap benjolan di kepalanya ia berkata, “Tuh, liat!!!”
Melihat tangan si Kecil merah berlumuran ‘darah’ sang Kakak reflex berlutut dihadapan adiknya. “Hah? Nis, ayo ke Rumah Sakit! Maaf nis, ayo itu diobatin!”
Dalam hati si Kecil ia sedang lonjak – lonjak dengan senang, menikmati tingkat kepuasan maksimal!!! Gimana enggak? Ini adalah moment berharga dalam hidupnya!
“Enggak mau! Biar Mbak Utik dimarahin Papa nanti!!!”
“Nisa, Mbak Utik minta maaf ya? Tadi lagi marah, maaf ya, nis? Ayo, itu diobatin”
“Enggak mau!!!” teriak si Kecil. “Salah sendiri kenapa tadi mukul!!!”
“Iya, nis, Mbak Utik minta maaf. Mbak Utik enggak bakal mukul lagi. Maaf ya, nis”
Bagaikan seorang hakim yang sedang mengadili terdakwa, si Kecil tetap teguh pada pendiriannya; menolak untuk diberi pengobatan. Sampai akhirnya hatinya mulai luluh, sudah bosan dengan kepuasan. Menurut dirinya, membuat kakaknya bertekuk lutut dihadapannya, memohon pengampunan, itu sudah melebihi rekor dunia penyiksaan saudara…hahaha…
Akhirnya,
“Ya udah, Nisa maafin,” kata si Kecil. “Tapi jangan mukul lagi..!!”
“Iya, nis..janji.. Sekarang diobatin yukk!”
Si Kecil cuman tersenyum, “Udah enggak sakit kok”
“Tapi diobatin, Nis..!! Itukan berdarah”
“Enggak usah! Orang cuman benjol kok..” suara si Kecil mulai berubah, ada sedikit tawa yang tertahan di pita suaranya.
“Lha itu?” sahut sang Kakak sambil menunjuk noda ‘darah’ di baju si Kecil.
Si Kecil melihat ke bajunya; dengan tenang ia berkata, “Oh, ini? Inikan pewarna kue.”
“Hah?! Terus? Berarti tadi?” sang Kakak melontarkan wajah tercengang dengan bingung.
“Iya..cuman boongan!!!” jawab si Kecil dengan puas.
Muka sang Kakak langsung merah menahan malu, di benak si Kecil, ia melihat semburan asap keluar dari telinga sang Kakak.
“TAU GITU AKU GAK MINTA MAAP!!!!” sang Kakak langsung beranjak; diiringi suara pintu yang menggelegar, ia keluar kamar.
Si Kecil berteriak, “HAHAHAHAHA!!!! INI BARU MENANGGG!!!”

Ada lagi kenangan bersama Mbak Utik yang enggak bisa dilupain…hahaha. Waktu SMP kelas 1, aku dapet motor baru; SupraX warna merah. Suatu sore yang cerah, kita lagi asyik – asyiknya test drive motor baru, biasalahhh. Waktu itu, yang nyetir Mbak Utik duluan, kita menelusuri jalan kampung yang berbatu – batu, sampai tiba – tiba motornya berhenti dan enggak mau jalan.

“Lho, Nis? Ini kenapa?” Tanya Mbak Utik.
Aku melihat ke bawah, “Enggak tahu. Kok tau – tau berhenti?” Setelah dilihat-lihat, “Mbak Utik, rodanya nyangkut. Ada batu tuh.”
“Lha, terus gimana?”
“Di gas aja, ntar juga jalan,” jawabku.
Situasi seperti ini harap dilalui dengan ketenangan karena membutuhkan perkiraan jumlah gas yang cukup untuk terbebas dari batu tersebut. Namun, ternyata gas tidak cukup, kasus ini perlu perhatian ekstra.
“Hah! Nis, Itu lihat!” kata Mbak Utik sambil menunjuk kea rah rumah dimana motor SupraX-ku nyangkut.
Ternyata ada hewan berkaki empat yang sangat ditakuti Mbak Utik…Anjing.
Mbak Utik langsung menggoyang-goyangkan motornya ke depan biar bisa jalan, tapi usahanya kurang memadai. Akhirnya, aku turun dari motor dan ndorong motornya dari belakang, tiba – tiba….WUZZZZZZZZ………………..motor melaju dengan cepat, Mbak Utik pergi dengan motor baruku tanpa melihat ke belakang. SIALAN…!!!
“MBAK UTIK!!! MBAK UTIK!!!” setelah dipanggil-panggil, Mbak Utik tetep enggak balik. Sumpah sialan tu anak! Gak sadar adeknya ketinggalan!!! Udah dibantuin ndorong, malah pergi seenak jidatt!! Sial!
Kesialanku belum berhenti disitu, tiba – tiba pandanganku terhenti di hewan berkaki empat tadi. Waduhh! Mati nihh!! Bayangin aja, sendirian di jalan setapak di pinggir sawah, having eye-contact sama anjing gahar! Jantung serasa mau mencuat keluar..!! Sialan banget ni kakak! Aku melihat kea rah anjing itu lagi, tau – tau anjingnya mulai ngonggong!!!
“Gukk!! Gukk!!”
Kakiku udah enggak bisa gerak, tapi tak paksa pelan – pelan jalan mundur. Wah, sial! Anjingnya ngikutin! Eh, parahnya lagi, ternyata gonggongan yang tadi itu bukan buat nakutin! Tapi itu ngonggongan yang buat manggil temennya!!!! GILA!!! Tau – tau ada dua anjing lagi dateng dan bareng – bareng jalan ke arahku. Sial nihh!!! Gimana coba!! Kalo lari malah dikejar, kalo enggak lari…huaaa…bingung!
Ketiga anjing itu tetep jalan ke arahku, kayak di film – film itu…wah, jangan – jangan aku jadi mangsa nihh.. Sumpah ini kayak episode National Geographic di TV itu. Gila, gila, gila!!! Malah Mbak Utik enggak balik – balik lagi! Masa sekejam itu ma adiknya sendiri! Butuh waktu berapa lama sih biar sadar kalo adeknya ketinggal!!! Enggak ada orang lagi di sekitar sini!!!
Busett..gak mungkin nihh..gak mungkin bertahan di posisi dikejar pelan – pelan sama anjing. Waduhh, gimana ya? Akhirnya, aku liat ke bawah, eh, ada batu…lumayan, senjata ringan biar anjingnya pergi. Tanpa pikir panjang, aku langsung ngambil sengenggam batu dan langsung tak lempar ke arah tu anjing! Sial..!! bukannya pergi, anjingnya malah ngonggong keras banget; buruknya, jalan ke arahku tambah cepet lagi! Arrrrggghhh!!! Denger temennya ngonggong, kedua anjing lainnya ikut ngonggong! Sialan!!!! Jangan ikut-ikutan dunk!!! Kan aku cuman ngelempar satu anjing, kok tiga-tiganya marah???!!! Kayaknya harus cari tempat yang ramai nihh..harus kembali ke jalan aspal yang saat itu letaknya lumayan deket, tinggal lari dikit. Tapi kalo lari, para anjing sialan ini pasti ngejar! Kakiku cuman dua, lha kakinya dia empat, ada tiga anjing lagi…jadi 12 deh! Sial..Sial..Sial..!!! Gimana nih!
Gak ada pilihan lain…akhirnya aku memutuskan buat lari…Sengenggam batu yang udah tak peluk – peluk dari tadi akhirnya tak lemparin semua! Entah kena si Anjing ato enggak aku langsung lari..!! Karena ada distraction dari batu tadi, anjing – anjing ini larinya agak terlambat. Tapi tetep aja..aku ngos-ngosan lari tergopoh – gopoh kea rah jalan raya! Sampai tiba – tiba ada moncong roda yang kelihatan di tikungan jalan di depanku. Hah!!! Itu motorku!!!! Ada nenek sihir kejam yang naik di atasnya! Akhirnya balik juga ni anak!!! Mbak utik datangggg!!! Gak bisa ngebayangin betapa aku merasa terselamatkan!!! Aku langsung naik ke motor dan Mbak Utik ngebut menjauhi para anjing yang baru aja kehilangan mangsanya.
“Darimana aja sihh!!! Lama bangettt!!! Aku dikejar anjing taukkk!!! Sial e, Mbak Utik itu!!” aku marah – marah ke Mbak Utik yang ekspresi mukanya enggak ada prihatinnya sama sekali.
“Maaf, Nis,” katanya santai. “Aku enggak tau nek kamu turun.”
Sambil terengah – engah aku bilang, “Kok enggak balik – balik!!! Kemana aja???”
“Tak kirain kamu udah di rumah!”
Sumpah! Bego banget! Mana bisa jalan ke rumah secepet itu! Yang pake motor kan Mbak Utik!! Sumpah! Logikanya dimana ituuu!!!!
“Lagian kamu ngapain turun?” Mbak Utik malah mbentak.
Arrrrggghhh! Ngajak ribut ni anak! “Ndorong motor!!! Emangnya tadi bisa jalan gara – gara apa!!!”
Eh, seenak jidat Mbak Utik malah ketawa. “Hah? Iya to?” jawabnya. “Terus gimana tadi?”
Haduuuhhh, males banget nyeritainnya…arrrggghhhh!!!

Bagi siapapun yang membaca, harap jangan ditiru. Pelaku semua hal – hal bodoh ini udah professional..!! Jadi jangan diterapkan dalam persaudaraan. Ini hanya segelintir kisah dari ribuan kenangan pasangan kakak beradik yang susah akur. Mulai dari sang Kakak yang punya phobia gelap dan phobia anjing, sampai si Kecil yang selalu menjadi korban keisengannya dan sekaligus menjadi pelindungnya dalam menghadapi bahaya seperti kegelapan (nemenin Mbak Utik tidur di malam hari). Banyak orang bilang, “harusnya yang kecil tuh yang jadi kakaknya”. Tapi menurutku, itu semua udah takdir. Mungkin sang Kakak punya keahlian lain yang enggak dimiliki si Kecil, seperti menyemangati saat si Kecil lagi down and troubled. Walaupun secara fisik si Kecil lebih besar dan kuat, secara batin mungkin sang Kakak lebih jago (enggak juga sih) Anyway,inilah kenangan kami, harap maklum…hahaha.

Forever and Always

2011-01-29T01:48:00.000-08:00

Seumur-umur baru sadar kalo dua kata ini beda banget, tapi apa bedanya? Gatau deh.. Kayaknya selama ini pengertianku fine – fine aja sampai ada sudut pandang lain yang berkata “orang itu gak selamanya …”
“lho? Bukannya harusnya selalu ya?” kataku. “kan kalo selamanya itu berarti udah berakhir.”
Sampai sekarang belum ketemu mana yang bener, hehe, emang gak penting soalnya.
Menurut Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, ada tiga pengertian buat njelasin ‘forever’

For all time
Very often
For an extremely long time or too much time

‘Selamanya’ berati kita udah tau semuanya yang terjadi dalam kurun waktu tertentu. Haha..tapi kenapa selamanya juga bisa berati very often, contohnya: she’s forever telling him she’s going to leave him, but she never does.
Always, ada yang bilang itu berasal dari all + ways = always…tapi kalo diartikan per kata gak nyambung. Sumber yang sama, ada tiga pengertian juga,

Every time
All the time
Forever

Kenapa ada forever di always, tapi gak ada always di forever? Tuh kan…ribet!

‘Selalu’ itu berarti masih berlanjut, contohnya: I’ll always remember you atau I’ve always liked him. Tapi sama aja, konteksnya beda.
“forever itu beda sama always” kataku.
Sialnya kamu bilang, ”bahasa indonesia itu beda sama bahasa inggris”
Arrrrggghhh! Tuh kan! Penyiksaan pikiran nih namanya... gimana ya njelasinnya?

Karena kamu bilang gitu, akhirnya aku mencari..hehe. Kamus Besar Bahasa Indonesia menyatakan,
Selalu:
senantiasa; selamanya;
sering; terus-menerus; tidak pernah tidak

Selamanya:
selalu

TADAAA!!!...hasilnya beda... Ada selamanya di selalu dan ada selalu di selamanya.
Mana yang bener? Sebenarnya gak masalah, semua sama; mungkin kamu emang bener; tiap bahasa maksudnya beda- beda. Tapi setidaknya ada pengertian spesifiknya.

Bedain dua orang yang bilang,
”I love you forever.”
Sama
”Aku cinta kamu selamanya”

Apa dua kalimat tersebut maksudnya sama? Arrrggghhh, bingunggg..

Coba bandingin lagi!
”I always love you”
Sama
”Aku selalu cinta kamu”

Entah sama atau enggak, sudut pandang orang beda – beda, mungkin orang lebih milih ’selamanya’ karena pendirian dan keyakinan yang kuat, atau mungkin dia pilih ’selalu’ karena ingin menikmati jalannya perasaan. Seperti dua hal yang gak bisa dipisahkan (tapi aku gatau contohnya) ’selamanya’ dan ’selalu’ akan saling berkaitan. Kamu bisa jadi ’selamanya’ aku jadi ’selalu’ atau sebaliknya...haha...karena yang paling adil adalah bilang,

”I’ll love you forever and always”

Bitter End...

2011-01-29T01:43:00.000-08:00

High School Chemistry Class, long time ago…
“this is the general structure of peptide bond, where it also has amine group …” the teacher kept mumbling in front of the class as if everybody knew what she was talking about. Yeah, right! I had been listening for hours and all I could hear was just general structure and group.
blah, blah, blah … she kept talking and talking, it’s frustrating me knowing that I got nothing from whatever she said. I bravely raised my hand, and she noticed.
“yes?” she said
“I have a question, do we get to see what it looks like?” I said firmly.
“the what?” she asked again
“whatever it is you’re talking about,” I said. “I mean, you keep talking about the bonds and groups, I’m just curious, does it really look like that?”
“no, of course not. I only made this scheme so that you can understand it better,” she said.
I could feel everyone’s eye on me as if I was the stupidest kid in the whole world, “I don’t see how the scheme made it understandable.”
Then, I saw flames rooted on her eyes, “well, you shouldn’t imagine it exactly like that,” she answered. “we can’t really see the structure, we can just imagine.”
“so, what you’ve been doing this whole time is telling us how to imagine a structure?” I asked again.
“understand it! To be exact, “she said.
Well, what do you know of teacher like that! “what’s the point of learning stuff if we can’t really see what it looks like.”
The next thing I knew, I was arguing with that teacher who I’m considered as a witch in this class, I couldn’t see why she’s the favorite chemistry teacher, I never picked her!
“yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah,” she kept telling me how stupid and incompetent I was.
“you know what, I think you should learn more by yourself, others need to finish this subject,” she finally said.
Did she just ‘indirectly’ ask me to get out of the class? Perhaps the right statement in SHE KICKED ME OUT OF THE CLASS! Her furious tone sickened me, so I rose from the chair and headed to the door. Bye, my ‘lovely’ chemistry class…oh please, like I’m gonna miss it, no way!
See my point? Wanna be a good teacher? Do not KICK OUT a curious and incompetent student!

Ugly Duckling

2009-09-16T01:53:00.000-07:00

Oh, the dearest ugly duckling,

What is it like?
Can you heal your own pain?

Everytime they're staring at you,

Everytime they think that they're better

Oh, ugly duckling,

What is it you can't face?

Are you really on your own?

Is it that bad to have nobody?

My dearest ugly duckling,

Who's you best friend?

Loneliness? Or sorrow?

Wake up!

Smell the coffee!

For one so hideous you seem so beautiful,

My glassy eyes in this bore world.

The scariest look ever,

everytime I look into the water,

Ruining all the vision in my mind.

Wreckless smile from the coldest heart,

Last longer than my breath,

The only laughter I've evr heard,

doesn't even come from here.

These feet were heading through puddles,

The puddles as dark as my feather,

so I can hide myself.

Running free from reality,

picturing myself as a swan.

Gracefully marching in my serendipity,

Lifting my chin up to the moon

No one needs to see,

whatever it is inside me.

No matter how pure

No matter how bright

They seen so satisfy,

and sick

of what they have seen outside

Drops of destiny,

sway my wings of fantasy,

praying in every piece of my feather

Hoping in every teardrop on my cheek

Beauty is always hiding,

beneath this dark feather,

and sorrow eyes

Cold feet and frozen beak

Everlasing regret on your face.

Wise Decision

2009-09-16T01:00:00.000-07:00

As darkness approached, our mood seemed to change; there was an air of stillness, a sense of unease. Even the landscape seemed different now. Why do I have to stand here in this tender less space with him by my side? Maybe I will have my heart checked tomorrow, I just have to find somebody who can sew it back together then I’ll be fine. What could possibly go wrong? I had him stayed close by my side for years and now he decided to be someone else that I don’t know. Plus, he’s completely left me out. What I don’t understand, he made me say ‘yes’, say ‘yes’! I can’t believe I let myself say that risky word. It was like the beginning of a curse and I’m the witch. I had myself cursed!
It was late at night; we were sitting at a candle centered table face to face. None of us was dare enough to whisper through the frozen air, not a chance even for a hiss. The time has stopped right there, when the two of us were making a silence scene like an Original Sin. The candle between us merely melting, inviting more darkness into the room. The glow has faded, gliding back and forth, stood still on its edge, dancing with a soft-blowing night breeze.
I may look sad at the moment, he might see me as a golden statue which tangled his mind with two choices, ‘take it or leave it’. On the inside, it was like a trampoline. If I were the one who’s savagely jumping, I hope he would be the trampoline, or maybe I am the trampoline instead. He made me feel bad about him; I had him think that I wasn’t good enough.
While the clock was ticking, I stared at this beautiful cruel face looking wryly at me. I couldn’t stand the stillness of air around me. I heard the clock’s ticking; it stayed constantly, but faster to me. Each one of us have to compete, who’s leaving who. Maybe I don’t deserve him; no matter how much it is I want him for he’s not mine. I was waiting for the right time before I could say the right word to him. Suddenly, ‘Ding!!!...’ the clock strikes twelve, the ding sounded like the bells of Notre Dame. I knew it was a sign for me to start.
“Say it!” the ding spoke to me. “Say it!!!” it spoke louder. The ding kept telling me, over and over, louder and louder. I felt like my head was going to explode. I squeezed my head with both of my hands, trying to make it stop. After that, out of nowhere, I rose my self from the seat and the chair fell to the valley of dusty floor underneath my feet. I screamed, “Stop it!!!” everything stopped at once. I tried to catch my breath; I had him stare at me like I was some kind of psycho. I took a deep breath, closed both of my eyes, determined to arrange the thoughts on my mind. I rested my right hand on the table and the other on my chest after I finally had my heart beat normally.
I looked at him firmly and I knew what to say. I have to say it before him, I have to. I took another deep breath, lifting my chin up, and had my eyes on him.
“Goodbye, then,” there I said it first. Finally I had all these dreadful thoughts released from my brain. I grabbed my suitcase and walked away. I should’ve said ‘no’ for the first time he asked me to live with him. But here I am, sitting in my desk at mom’s house, satisfying my decision to leave dad and move out to be with my mom. I hope I did the right thing for it.

Find Out If He Loves You

2009-07-21T08:40:00.000-07:00

1. Ask him about something he couldn't live without and why?
-it doesn't matter what reason he says, but if he answers he couldn't live ithout YOU, the he's actually just playing around with you..

2. Ask him the worst advice he's ever taken
- he truly loves you if he says anything besides "when my bestfriend told me to break up with you"

3.Ask him the best advice he's ever get
-he lies if he tells you " the best advice is when you tell me that i have to spend more time for you and care about you more that anyone else does"

4. Ask him the worst lie he ever told
-he's a jerk if he says "when i say i don't love you anymore"

5. Last one, ask him the hardest lesson he's had to learn

-just slap him and leave him alone if he says " the hardest is when i was trying to get your attention and then asked you out" that is a LIE, trust me..

remember girls, there's only three types of boy
-jerk-asshole-gay

hahaha...
JK!!! ...LOL

Bedtime Story

2009-05-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

Monday,May, 25th 2009
00.04
I just read this book called "the voice of the master" it was wonderful. This was actually the first book that actually woke me up from all the things that I've done. It felt like it was pulling me away from the world where I used to live in, really showing me how life's so full of lies, betrayal, love, and so many things that make it so difficult for us to go on. I finished this book in one night, and it was a new thing for me. Kahlil Gibran is now one of my favorite writers.through this book, he really taught me how to be a good reader, well, I haven't been a very good reader lately. he really inspired me. How in the world he could write something so ecsotic and original, in some what mysterious too. I wonder how did he do his research about this book, or perhaps he didn't do any of it. Maybe he had his own thought about the arrangement of the world. if I had a chance to meet Kahlil Gibran, I would take that opportunity. I'm gonna have to do some hunting on this kinda book. My second dad, Joe once gave me "a book of evolution" which I haven't read. I meant to read it tonight but, since it's really late and I have a test tomorrow, I might have to pass, plus I couldn't find the bag where I put that book either. But it's no big deal right now.
World is not that complicated. We as human are the ones who make it so hard to live in. Life is like a passion of a woman, that's what the book says. The master in this book are on his way to Venice, leaving his immaginary lover behind, he looked up to the sky, feel sorry for her. But then he saw her, up above him. She was smilling and told him to go down to the deck and get some sleep, dream about her. So, he did. deep down in his sleep, he dreamt about her, sitting together at the table accompanied by one candle in the center of the round table. When he got to Venice, something weird and unpleasant happened to him. He's gonna spend his night at the Governor's house. They didn't welcome him very well, he was pissed. Everything seemed so sad, turned out the little princess in the house has passed away just before the master showed up. When the master looked at the pale lifeless body who was lying on his bed, he felt something sharp in his heart, like there's a long dagger stabbed through his chest. It was his imaginary lover lying soulless in front of him.

The rest is ... well, it's in the book.

Broken System Pisses Me Off!

2009-04-21T06:58:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why I have to think about it! This thing pisses me off!
I'm telling you, the school system is broken! Stop trying to be Western if we can stay Eastern! I mean, please, moving class? We have one building which has 3 floors, and one building with 2 floors, everyday we move back and forth, back and forth! Does anybody care about our legs? Plus, no locker! What is that all about? Do you expect us to crack our shoulders by carrying all those freaking thick books? Those books are heavy, I'm telling you. If you want this moving class program works, start putting some lockers in the hallway, or maybe limit the building space of each grade so we don't have to go back and forth anymore! One more thing, teachers should stay in the classes where they belong to so it won't be so hard to find them. I'm sorry for saying all the bad things about the school system, but hey, guess what! That's the truth!
Another thing that kills me is why do you have to split us into science class and social class? The worst thing is, you're not fair about it. I'm sorry for being such a jerky hypocritical but you seem to love science class better than social.
Excuse me for being rude but social study is as important as science, and some people think social class in a wrong way. There's nothing wrong about being in a social class! You know what, for telling you the truth, social life look at the reality of life, teach us how to face this stupid life, this whole freaking thing about life that we always whine about.
Well, for people who read this, you may think that I'm in the social class, well, I'm not. It's not like I'm a backstabber or something, I'm just trying to make myself better. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in the wrong environment, like I don't trust myself in science and to tell you the truth, I struggle a lot at it, no matter how hard I tried. I hate it! It sucks!
I don't need physic, chemistry to get what I want. I feel like the school system has robbed my creativity and my passion and that's a REAL CRIME!
Why don't you just put the big sign of 'LOSER FARM' in front of the school and be done with it?
Sorry if I'm such a lousey critical, I was just having my bad day!
Dang it!!!

Menuju Puncak (Part 2)

2009-04-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

Pas kita udah sampai kembali di lapangan, beberapa dari kita, terutama yang cewek, kecantol di TK. Pada mau prosotan…haha…masa kecil kurang bahagia, biasa. Di lapangan banyak makhluk – makhluk yang baru saja datang, beberapa anak Panum + sesosok berbaju hitam yang tadi pagi disuruh bersih – bersih sama maminya, hoho, dasar anak rajin! Yep, tak lain lagi, sosok itu adalah Jundi, si bos yang anak buahnya banyak. Aktivitas baru dilakukan, Yudha minjem motornya Jundi buat nyleneng kesana kemari, mondar – mandir gak jelas, kayak anak balita naek sepeda roda tiga.
“Hey, jund! Wis teko tho?” ujarku ke Jundi yang lagi duduk – duduk ma Upek kayak tukang parkir cadangan.
“Ho oh e, di tahan ibuku. Dikon resik – resik.“
“Cah rajin og Jundi ki,” kata Upek, dia selalu berbicara dengan nada datar dan innocent. Hmmm...
Eca dah nyampek dari tadi, ternyata gak di motor gak di lapangan, dia ma Andika cocok juga jadi pasangan. Hahagz. Aku menghampiri mobilku, mau naruh tas, gak enak e nek di cantol di bahu terus. Eh, tau – tau ada suara berat memanggil, memohon (nek yang ini lebai sih)
“Nyoba qul,“ Jundi berseru, masih duduk di pinggiran dengan muka berharap.
“Yo ayo“
Matanya Jundi melotot, kayak mau keluar, “Tenan?”
”Iyo rapopo,” tak jawab lagi. Hoho.
Jundi langsung berlari, kuncinya tak kasihin, pas itu aku baru buka pintu sebelah kiri.
”Nih, jun,” ujarku sambil ngasihin kunci. ”Lewat sebelah sana! Belum tak buka tadi.”
Jundi nerima kuncinya,”Oh, ya!”
Aku masuk mobil, duduk di sebelah kiri. ”Wis jun, ayo.”
Tiba – tiba ada dua suara asing yang mendekat, pemilik suaranya juga berdatangan, ”Aku melu, aku melu!”
Ternyata mereka adalah Nuha dan Reza yang rebutan masuk mobil, seingetku si Yudha yo ikut tapi aku lupa. Hoho. Maklum, manusia tidak sempurna.
“Aku bar kowe yo, jun!” kata Nuha.
“Iyo – iyo“ jawab Jundi sambil pegang setir. ”Njuk ngopo iki?”
“Di starter, Jun,” jawabku, rodo deg –deg an e kuwi.
Jundi udah tau og arah maennya kemana (bahasanya memang sedikit lebai). Langsung masuk gigi R yang berarti mundur. Koplingnya dilepas njuk langsung mati mesinnya. Walah – walah.
“Mbeh, kok mati?”
“Nyopot koplinge alon – alon,” kataku sambil ngeliat kebawah. ”Sambil dikit – dikit di gas.”
“Kok ketoke angel yo?” kata Nuha yang dibelakang ribut ndiri ma Reza gatau ngomongin apa.
Proses penjalanan mobil diulangi lagi, kali ini berhasil, mobilnya jalan mundur. Setirnya diarahin dengan pas oleh si kocak Jundi sampai akhirnya siap buat maju.
”Njuk piye iki?” tanya Jundi.
”Pindah gigi satu,” jawabku sambil nunjuk ke pegangan yang buat mindahin gigi mobil. ”Koplingnya pol, jun”
Jundi menjalankan perintahku, mukanya terlihat tenang tapi bingung. Mobil udah masuk gigi satu, pelan – pelan maju.
”Awas motore, Jun,” kataku lagi, udah lebih deg –deg an itu.
Mobil biru itu maju ke arah barisan motor yang kurang rapi, tapi kok gak berhenti – henti ya?
”Jun, belok,” perasaanku dah takut e. Hehe.
”Sekarang, qul?”
”Ho oh, sekarang.”
Jundi banting setir ke kiri, di depan kita ada tiang gawang, masih jauh sih, tapi kerasa deket nek dari mobil. ”Awas tiang, jun!”
Aku, Nuha, dan Reza pada teriak di dalem mobil. Jendelanya langsung tak buka biar rada adem. Tapi berisiknya malah kedengeran sampek luar.
”Menggoke kok ra kroso?” kata Jundi lagi, saking gak kerasanya beloknya ampek kebanyakan.
Si Reza nongol ke depan,” Itu tu setir yang power kuwi lo, mas”
”Kuwi ki sing power steering, ndul” balas Nuha. “Moso ra keroso tenan?”
”Jun, bales!” aku meraih setir sambil mbantuin ngarahin ke kanan, wah, lurusnya dah sampai pinggir lapangan. ”Pindah gigi dua, Jun!”
Jundi lagi mbelokin mobilnya ke kiri lagi biar gak nabrak, ”Sek, bentar biar lurus dulu.”
Pas mobil dah lurus, mobilnya jadi rodo pelan. ”Wis, piye iki pindahe?”
“Kopling penuh,” kataku.
Pedalnya udah di pol in ma Jundi, tapi trus pemindah giginya digerakin entah kemana, gerakan bingung itu.
“Kebelakang, Jun, kebelakang,” kataku lagi sambil nunjuk bagian belakang pemindahnya. Wah, yang di mobil panik semua waktu itu. Huaaaa…..
Si Kocak mindahin ke belakang tapi malah masuk ke gigi empat, mesinnya jadi berat, tau – tau di gas ma Jundi.
“Itu masuk empat, Jun!”
“Mbeh, iya o? Njuk kemana ini?”
Tanganku langsung meraih pegangan gigi, kok gak bisa gerak ya? Ternyata koplingnya belum keinjek. “Jun, koplingnya diinjek, Jun”
Suasana di mobil ribut banget! Si Nuha dan Reza dibelakang mbengok – mbengok gak jelas, kayaknya aku denger mereka bilang, “Piye iki?” Hohoho. Telingaku lumayan tajam.
Dengan cepat, Jundi menginjak kopling, giginya langsung tak pindah ke gigi dua. “Dah, sekarang koplingnya lepas pelan – pelan, Jun”
Mobil sudah berjalan normal setelah itu, “Mindah giginya ngikutin garisnya ini lo, Jun” ujarku sambil nunjukin garis dan angka yang ada di pemindah gigi.
“Garis yang mana tho?” tanya Nuha, mbungkukin badannya ke depan mau ngliat garis angkanya.
“Sing ngendi e mbak?” Reza nambahin.
“Yang ini lo,” jawabku sambil nunjukin.
Nuha ngangguk, ”Walah, sing kuwi tho.”
“Wah, koyo dolanan,” ujar Jundi.
“Dolanan opo, ndul? Bom – bom car?” kata Nuha yang baru lepas dari kepanikannya.
“Ini pindah tiga, qul?” tanya Jundi.
“Ho oh, rapopo og,” jawabku lagi. ”Berarti pindahnya ke depan, Jun.”
“Iso ra, Jun?” Nuha bilang. “Ojo salah meneh.”
Si Jundi mindah lagi, tapi mobilnya jadi berat lagi. Setelah kuperhatikan, ternyata letak kesalahannya ada pada giginya. ”Itu gigi lima, ndul!” seruku ke Jundi.
”Waduh!” Nuha mbengok sambil ketawa dengan nada rendahnya. ”Njuk piye kuwi?”
Masalah sudah teratasi, Jundi dengan cekatan memindah gigi ke tiga. Mobil berjalan dengan normal, walaupun mbelok – mbelok gak jelas. Nah, mbelak – mbeloknya itu yang menjadi alasan kita bertiga teriak. Semuanya mbengok – mbengok kecuali Jundi. Tapi kayaknya dalam hati dia juga deg –deg an.
Tiba – tiba ada makhluk kecil tidak bersalah melintas di depan kita, cari mati bener og tu makhluk. Pas Jundi lagi mbelok, makhluk itu bukannya menghindar tapi malah mendekat, wah, keingintahuan yang terlalu tinggi itu berbahaya ternyata.
”Jun, awas ayam!” seruku pas mobilnya hampir nabrak ayam.
”Enggak og, enggak og, masih manusiawi aku,” jawab Jundi, nadanya udah lumayan nyantai. Mobil sudah berputar – putar mengitari lapangan, Nuha dan Reza berisik banget di belakang, aku lupa pas itu kita mbicarain apa. Hoho. Tau – tau ada suara asing lagi yang datang dari luar mobil.
”Woi, aku yo gelem!” ternyata itu adalah suaranya Yudha yang berlari mendekati mobil.
”Wah, terlalu ambisius kuwi,” ujar Nuha.
Jundi melakukan satu putaran lagi, ”Udah, qul. Berhenti dimana ini?”
Aku nunjuk ke arah semula, dimana mobilnya di parkir, ”Disana aja, deket motor, tapi jangan nabrak.”
”Oh, yo,” ujar Jundi. Sepertinya si Kocak agak bingung gimana berhentinya, gatau bingung pa enggak ding.
”Nek berhenti koplingnya pol, njuk di rem.”
”Oalah, kudu di kopling barang tho?” tanya Nuha lagi yang sambil ketawa –ketawa, ribut berdua sama Reza.
Mobilnya dah mendekati barisan motor, tapi kok belum di rem? ”Ojo nabrak, Jun,” kata Nuha yang kepalanya nongol di tengah – tengah.
”Ati – ati mas Jundi,” ujar Reza, melengkapi apa yang dikatakan Nuha.
”Jun, di rem, Jun!” nadaku panik, mukanya Jundi ketok nyatai banget e. Udah deket kok masih belum di rem? ”Rem, Jun! Rem!” wah, aku rodo mbentak. Maap yo, Jun. Gak maksud mbentak og, lagi panik doang.
”Jun, Jun, di rem!”Nuha nambahin, dia panik neng rada gak niat kayaknya. Hahaha. Mencoba keep it cool sambil ketwa – ketawa. Biasa, Nuha.
Tiba – tiba mobil pun berhenti, kita semua kedorong ke depan, kayaknya nginjek remnya kecepeten tadi, jadinya mobilnya menciut ke depan.
Hua...Hua...Hua... Jantungku berdebar – debar. Gigi mobilnya langsung dinetralin ma Jundi, hand remnya juga ditarik. Wah, ngomongin soal hand rem jadi inget sarannya Upek yang belum sempet aku sebutkan di episode pertama.
Saran ini mengerikan, jangan dicontoh, sangat beresiko dan berbahaya. Sebelum berangkat ke tempat PTB, pas masih di sekolah si Upek bilang,
“Naek aja, qul. Pake hand rem. Mengko nek ra kuat di hand rem, dalan meneh, ra kuat di hand rem meneh. Mengko lak tekan nduwur.”
Terdengarnya saja mengerikan sehingga tidak saya lakukan, untung mobilnya kuat. Hehe. Wah, sarane Upek ra nguati kabeh!
”Wis, tho? Bener?” tanya Jundi sebelum keluar dari mobil.
”Sip sip, Jun” aku ngacungin jempol walaupun jantung masih ndredeg.
Jundi mbuka pintu, ”Makasih lo, qul.”
”Yo sama – sama,” jawabqu. Si Jundi terus keluar dari mobil, pas jalan ke pinggiran pada tepuk tangan, kayak habis nonton film action aja.
Setelah ini masih ada peserta aksi selanjutnya yang lebih ekstrim, tapi ternyata mereka dengan terpaksanya harus muncul di episode ketiga. Terlalu panjang jika dimasukkan ke episode kedua.

(saksikan Nuha dan Yudha di episode selanjutnya!simak terus kisahnya disini!)

Menuju Puncak (Part 1)

2009-04-20T01:36:00.000-07:00

PTB hampir tiba, anak - anak sigma pada mau survey. Banyak hal - hal kocak yang terjadi. Pas briefing pagi - pagi itu aku agak takut nanjak naek mobil. Maklum, punya fobia kemiringan nih. Waktu itu yang nebeng mobilku:
- Fitha : sebagai navigator yang agak kesasar dah lupa arah. hahagz!
- Vina : tidak begitu terdengar suaranya (mmm...)
- Raras : Gak banyak bersuara (tapi kayaknya dia lip sing waktu aq muter 'suppermassive blackhole')
- Chipa : udah gedhe kok dipangku sih, chip... hehehe...
- Rifki : salah satu anggota team ngobrol. hho.
Jujur. Pas sebelum ke tempat PTB kayaknya takuuuuut banget, ntar nek mobilnya mlorot gimana??? ntar nek mogok pas najak gimana???
Setelah itu Upek menyarankan sesuatu yang agak kesuwen tapi lumayan gak efektif ," Ya sampek bawah aja. Ntar dijemput naek motor ke atas"
Padahal sudah jelas bahwa jarak dari bawah ke atas itu jauh banget, pake motor malah tambah ngeri!
Saran kesuwen dan lumayan gak efektif itu dilanjutkan saran aneh dari Nuha,
"Mobilnya ditinggal di bawah aja, qul. Kan wong ndeso ra bakal gelem, ra iso nyetir soale"
Ini adalah pikiran orang yang belum diluaskan. Kenapa?
"Iyo denk," aku menjawab. "Lha tapi nek mengko di dol piye jal?"
Nuha melepaskan tawanya yang bernada rendah itu, "Wo iyo dink"
Akhirnya, aku memberanikan diri juga. Perjalanan pun dimulai... Waktu mobil sudah ke tengah jalan, ada motor liar hampir nyerempet. Huh, dasar penyebrang yang buruk! Di depan mobilku ada dua sosok yang sedang boncengan seperti pasangan gay. Udah pelan, ngobrol dengan mesranya di jalan. Eca dan Andika, kalo di atas motor mereka terlihat serasi juga. Eca yang di depan seperti cowoknya, Andika seperti ceweknya karena dia bermuka kalem (walaupun aslinya gak kalem)Pasangan ini naik motor dengan sangaaat pelan, Eca barusan dapet sim soalna... wow.
Perjalanan itu juga menunjukkan realitas jalur cepat! Haha! Karena ternyata di jalur cepat, mobil melaju lebih cepat daripada motor.
"Oalah, pantesan ini jalur cepat. Kok pas naik motor gak kerasa ya?" kata Fitha.
Musik yang aku dengarkan mempengaruhi emosi. Karena saat itu aku lagi ndengerin SUM 41 sama Suppermassive Blackhole, hasrat ngebutku jadi tinggi, alhasil aku menyalip banyak kendaraan. Hoho. Anak - anak di mobilku berasumsi aneh tentang diriku,
"Wah, mbak nisqul berjiwa racer!" ujar Fitha.
Hari itu memang agak ngebut, saat itu ada seorang pengendara motor yang buanter, kakinya mbegagah kayak cowok. Habis tak salip, dia nyalip, disalip lagi, dia juga mbales nyalip.
"Ni motor! Udah di salip nyalip lagi. Sial!"
"Sabar mbak, sabar" ujar Fitha lagi.
Semua hal terjelaskan setelah kita berhenti di lampu merah. Andika, yang saat itu posisinya masih di depanku berbalik dan menyapa si pengendara yang balapan bersamaku tadi.
Tak dapat dipercaya. Si pengendara tadi adalah Eli, si Sekjend yang telat dateng dan akhirnya menyusul. hohoho. Betapa kagetnya aku dan yang lainnya!
"Hah? Itu mbak Eli? Kok cowok banget sih?" ujar salah Fitha.
"Waduh, tiwas wis misuh - misuh aku. Maap ya, El" ujarku.
Banyak kemesraan terlihat sepanjang perjalanan, contohnya:
-Abel dan Yudha. Kalo dari belakang, Abel keliatan kayak meluk Yudah tuh (gatau beneran pa enggak. hihi) ngobrol mengakrabkan diri gitu deh kayaknya.
-Arshi dan Diaz. Gatau juga mesra dari mana, tapi yang kecil mboncengin yang besar, pengangan ya, Diaz!
-Eca dan Andika. Seperti yang sudah dijelaskan. Haha.
Saat jalan mulai sepi, kecepatanku mencapai 80 km/jam, itu melampaui batas ngebutku. haha. Setelah itu sampailah kami pada tanjakan yang curam itu,
"Pake gigi dua aja, mbak. Bisa kok" Fitha berkata.
Kulihat kebawah, memang sudah gigi dua, pedal gas kuinjak hingga pol!
Yap, akhirnya naik juga sampai ke puncak walaupun banyak pemandangan yang menyusahkan. Motornya Wrest udah ngos - ngosan ampek asapnya banyak banget, motornya Nuha mulai melamban dan merosot ke bawah (hampir sih) Upek yang berpose seperti polisi lalu lintas segera turun tangan membantu Wrest yang motornya ternyata gak kuat.
Kesuksesan kedua juga kuraih setelah mobilnya bisa masuk sampai ke lapangan tanpa tergores (hoho. mbuh denk, durung tak tilik e)
Hujan pun turun ketika kita (kecuali Upek dan Arshi yang sukarela menjadi tukang parkir untuk menjaga kendaraan - kendaraan di lapangan, mereka terlihat seperti kakak beradik yang sedang menyerahkan warisan tanah parkiran, kalo enggak ya kakak yang sedang mengajari adiknya menjadi tukang parkir) menelusuri tempat PTB mencari perpustakaan di SD, kami bertemu seorang ibu dan suaminya yang sedang ngeceng di depan rumahnya.
"Ngiyup dulu, mas, mbak" ujar ibu tersebut.
"Nggih, bu." ujar seseorang dibelakangku.
"Kelas pinten e? Kok wis gedhe - gedhe?" si Ibu bertanya lagi.
Hahaha. Kita cuman ketawa, bingung njawabnya gimana.
"Emange awak dhewe gedhe banget po?" ujar salah seorang dari kita.
Saat berteduh di SD kita semua terlihat seperti korban bencana banjir yang barusan keleleb. Kalo enggak, ya kayak korban Situ Gintung yang habis kelimbas ombak gedhe. Udah basah, lusuh, beratakan, kotor pula (gak kotor banget sih). Sambil duduk di depan kelas - kelas, kita rembukan gimana rencana PTB kita. Reza punya usul yang menarik tapi kurang adil bagi illustrator tercinta kita, Satrio.
"Kita kasih gambar para pahlawan aja. Mas Satrio suruh nglembur. Dua minggu jadi wes!" kata Reza dengan tampang innocent.
"Hohoho" Nuha ngelepasin ketawanya yang bernada rendah itu. "Mesake, ndul."
Setelah hujan reda, perjalanan dilanjutkan, hahaha, dibeliin dawet ma Nuha. Di jalan kita juga bertemu beberapa anak Panum. Foto bersama wajib dilakukan. haha.
Seusai perjalanan kita kembali ke lapangan. Di lapangan, hal serupun terjadi ...

(mau tau cerita selanjutnya??? ikuti terus kisahnya!!!)

Ending was Only Just the Beginning (Part 1)

2009-04-16T05:12:00.000-07:00

I wanna have a reckless life, but that kind of life is a fantasy. It’s not gonna happen. Especially for a guy like me. I mean, what choice do I have as a man? Everyone’s too busy with their own business. They have money, love, friends, and family; they got them all. What about me? Even I felt so lucky when there’s someone who’s willing to talk to me. Well, he asked me to hold the door but at least he talked to me. I didn’t used to have this kind of life before, until I found one thing which hurt me the most. The freaking’ idiot thing called LOVE. It made me wanna throw up every time I hear that word, L – O – V – E
I thought it was beautiful, even it looked beautiful in every single movie that I’ve seen. But it took me a while to realize that the lovely – dovey thing that they talked about…is a fantasy. It’s not like I’ve never been in love or anything, it’s just…well, it’s irritating me every time girls say “We need to talk” until finally they say “It’s over” Why is it that every relationship has to end that way? Why can’t it end like a movie? I started to thing that this world is so full of lies. Everything they told me is a lie! There’s never gonna be a happy ending! It’s all crap!
Chicks are complicated! They’re like the most hateful creatures on earth! I gave all my attention to them, I talked to them, I listened to them, and I shared ideas with them. What was that about? I didn’t know what it takes with women, I mean, you put in all this time and effort, and they wanna be just friend. What more do you want, women?
There I was, sitting at the library, thinking about what happened. How come she hates me? What did I do wrong? Should I move on to another? Oh, what the hell! I’m sick of it! Sick of another fight! Sick of having to deal with chicks all the time.
For the next couple of months, I’ve realized that I wasn’t myself anymore. I had no passion to any chick at all. What happened to me? Have I changed? I read romance book, I watched drama movie, even I had a thought to watch gay porno once…which I did in the next week after this month. The smell of chick’s sweat didn’t even make me horny.
It all started from one of those days with my last girlfriend, Gen, well, she’s my ex now but this break up think had opened my eyes to something which is completely wrong.
“Let’s be honest with ourselves,” Gen said as she gave me the look that I hate the most. It’s like the worst thing ever when girls looked at me like that. “I think we always knew that this thing will not work out,” she said again.
I had these feeling that she’s gonna break up with me. I didn’t say anything. I fisted both of my hands and rested my head on it.
“Honey, I care about you. Very much. And, I don’t wanna hurt you like this.”
I said nothing, just sitting still and do nothing. I tried to hold my tear so it won’t fall upon my cheek and make me look like a pussy in front of her. I didn’t understand why these things keep happening to me. What did I do wrong? Am I that bad of a boyfriend?
“Todd, you have to say something,” Gen said, noticing that I hadn’t said any thing. “We haven’t stopped talking since the day we met.”
I guess that day was a special day, and I know the next day, and the next day, and the next day would be the same special day as today. My head was resting on my hand; mind’s hopping that I could beg her to not dump me like a pathetic deer on the side of the street after it just got hit by a gigantic truck. I knew I would look that much pathetic. I stared at Gen’s face, trying to remember what’s in it that made me fall for her. It was her sparkling eyes. I remembered my first eye contact with her, it probably sounds too dramatic, but when she looked at me with those sparkle eyes, it was like the first time I heard the Beatles.
“Listen, I hear what you’re saying. But you gotta hear me,” she said again, I bet she’s getting sick of me for not saying anything. “I need some space, Todd, and I can’t have it if I’m with you.”
Why in the world did she think that I wouldn’t give her that space? She had never told me about that freaking’ space she needed. I didn’t even understand why she needed some space.
“Fine,” I finally said after I’ve been sitting dumbfounded in front of her like a total looser. “I wanna do that. I wanna give you all the spaces you need. I just … I don’t want you to break up with me.” I could feel my glassy eyes when I said those words.
Gen looked out the window, I followed her sight to a muscular baldy pale guy in his football shirt, laying his gigantic butt on the hood of a shinny red Ferrari outside the bistro.
“I have to go now,” Gen said firmly as she grabbed her purse and ready to leave. I couldn’t believe she would give up on me for that corpse looking guy!
“Please!” I half-shouted at her, stopping her for ditching me for eternity. “Would you just … would you just not leave me here? Would you just stay and talk
to me a little bit?” There! I said it. I begged her to stay like a homeless wreck. She robbed my dignity; I lost my honor as a man!
Gen shook her head, turning her head at that Ferrari corpse outside. Please, I look ten times better that him, exclude the muscular part. He’s bald for God’s sake! I had the coolest hair; I sacrificed my hair to stay like this just for her. She told me she wanted Goku’s hairstyle on me and now she walked out on me for that baldy!
“I can’t,” she said, turning around as she said her last word to me. “Goodbye, Todd.”
“No, Gen! Stay!” I jumped suddenly and grabbed her hand.
“TODD! You’re a pathetic faggot and I’ll never talk with you! EVER!” she yelled at me furiously and she escaped her hand from mine. The worst thing happened, her hand swing and hit me right on my left cheek. Did she just slap me? Yeah, she did … unfortunately.
It was like the biggest huge dumping ever! Probably worse than what Chris Brown did to Rihanna. Well, whatever! I vanished all my memories about girls. I had enough! For all these years, I thought I was happy and lucky to find some girls that I love. But they ended up pathetically bitchy!
There I was, lying on my bed with a stereo blasting, tuning Sean Kingston’s Beautiful Girls.
“You got my back, Sean. Please relieve me in every single way, bro.” I know it was so pathetic for a guy to cry, but I was way desperate, I had no choice! I turned up the volume so I can hear nothing but the music. My eyes were so heavy that I barely stay awake.
“Todd! Turn it down! I’m on the phone!” Mom said, banging on my door.
It was infuriatingly distracting me from leaving this world of consciousness, she’s totally pissing me off!
“Todd! I said turn it DOWN!” she screamed. “It’s too loud!”
“Then you’re too old, mom!!!” I screamed back, furiously I jumped off my bed and turned the stereo down. I opened the door; she was there, holding the phone on her ear. “Happy?”
“Ecstatic,” she said sarcastically.
I slammed the door, desperately walked to my bed; dropped myself. I rubbed my face with my sweaty hands, thinking that I really couldn’t stay at home with this kind of feeling. It was perfectly quiet; I got all the silence I needed.
I grabbed my cell phone and started to explore the contact list, hoping that someone would be with me, carry me away from this loneliness. I found Gen on the list; rapidly deleted it. Remembering her number would make me miss her more.
“I should probably call one of my homies and tell them what happened,” I thought. I scooted down the cursor then I found Jake; I quickly called him.
“Hello?” I heard Jake’s voice.
“Jake, it’s Todd, man,” I replied. “Listen, umm…you got any time?”
“Me? Yeah, I’m free tonight, you wanna do something?”
I sighed in relief, knowing that I won’t be alone, well at least for tonight. “I could really use a friend right now, bro.”
“What’s up, man?”
“Gen just dumped me, man.”
“She did? Oh, I’m so sorry man. I f there’s anything that I can do for you just let me know,” Jake said.
What is this? I felt something stupid was happening underneath my chest, my heart was beating a lot faster. Was that because of Jake?
“Let’s hang out tonight! I got this new video that I wanna show you, come by tonight!”
“Su... sure... I... I …I’ll be there, bro,” I stuttered, my heart was beating again. What the hell?
“See you later, then,” Jake replied and hung up.
I hanged out with Jake that night, found out that he’s the best person I’ve ever had. My folks never care about me, all they do is yelling and I sick of it! Seemed to me that Jake’s the only one who understood me no matter what. People don’t talk about it that much, but guy – to – guy relationship is pretty special, you know. That can be the most beautiful thing in the world. Well, it sounded a little gay, matter of fact, it was completely gay. But that was actually what I felt about Jake. I knew exactly what’s gonna happen if I get married to a girl. We’ll fight all day long, arguing every single thing; we won’t have the same way of thinking. What can I say? I guess I have to find someone with the same passion, feeling, or perhaps …….. Physic.

(To be continued)

Penantian Sampai Akhir

2009-04-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

Aku selalu bertanya – tanya pada diriku sendiri? Bisakah aku menjadi seperti Dewi Amba? Betapa mulia hatinya untuk merelakan nyawanya sendiri demi orang yang sangat dicintainya, Bisma Dewabrata. Amba mati atas bidikan panah sakti yang menembus dadanya oleh Bisma. Lelaki memang kadang – kadang bodoh, mereka memang mahluk yang paling gegabah. Sebegitu hinakah Dewi Amba sehingga Bisma menghindarinya?

Kesalahan utama bukan pada Dewi Amba. Ini semua karena sumpah sang Resi untuk tidak menikah dengan siapapun. Sumpah yang ia kumandangkan seraya petir menyambar. Amba tak dapat menahan hasratnya, sampai pada akhirnya Bisma harus membunuhnya.
Apa yang membuatku ingin seperti Amba? Jawabannya adalah karena kesabaran Amba menunggu sang Resi sampai akhir hayatnya. Supala sang Putri akan sukmanya yang akan bangkit kembali. Menjelma dalam tubuh Srikandhi, ia akan menjemput cinta matinya untuk hidup bersamanya di khayangan.
Oh, Amba, sebegitu cintakah engkau pada Bisma? Takdir atau kesadarankah yang menghasut Bisma untuk menunggumu di tengah Kurusetra saat Perang Bharatayuda berkobar?
Bismapun bertanya pada Sri Kresna, ”Kenapa Srikandhi itu adalah lelaki. Kenapa ia tak berwujud wanita seperti Amba? Kenapa sukma seorang putri yang cantik jelita harus bersembunyi di balik tubuh kekar Srikandhi?”
Sang Titisan Wisnu hanya menggeleng, ”Aku bukan Amba. Aku tak tau apa yang ada dalam pikirannya. Namun, menurutku, Amba mengerti dimana harga diri sang Resi tersakti ini bila ia tertakhlukkan oleh seorang wanita.”
Dapatkah engkau mencintai seseorang seperti Amba mencintai Bisma? Menunggu itu lelah...sangatlah lelah. Lalu mengapa Amba rela menunggu Bisma yang telah menyakiti hatinya bahkan sampai mengakhiri hidupnya? Tak dapat dibayangkan sebesar apa cinta Amba kepada Bisma. Mungkinkah seorang wanita di dunia ini dapat mencintai lelaki tanpa pamrih seperti apa yang Amba lakukan?
Sang Resi terbaring lemah pada panah – panah yang menopang tubuhnya yang tak menyentuh tanah. Saat seluruh panca indranya dipusatkan ke satu tujuan menghadap Hyang Kuasa, datanglah Amba.
”Belum puaskah anda melihat penderitaanku begini sebagai hasil supatamu dahulu, Amba?” ujar sang Resi.
Dewi Amba, dengan bibir tersenyum, matanya menatap dengan sayu. ”Bahkan aku merasa menyesal. Maafkanlah aku, kanda.”
Dimana letak hati sang Resi ini? Tidakkah dia sadar bahwa Amba sangat mencintainya? Mungkin ia sadar, namun ia juga masih ingat akan supatanya dahulu.

Amba hanya berkata, ”Itu sumpahmu di alam kasar. Di Alam nirwana sumpahmu sudah tak berlaku lagi.”
”Walaupun begitu aku tidak akan mungkin bersatu denganmu, karena di alam khayangan aku telah mempunyai pasangan. Akulah titisan Wasu Dhayu.”
”Aku tidak peduli akan titisan itu, kau harus menebus kesalahanmu, kanda.”
”Kesalahan apalagi yang pernah kulakukan terhadapmu, Amba?”
Amba hanya tersenyum, seakan – akan ia telah terbiasa dengan ketidak pekaan seorang lelaki. ”Bukankah kanda telah menewaskan Prabu Salwa, pujaanku dalam sayembara dahulu.”
Bisma hanya menatapnya, tak mengira bahwa Amba masih mengingat semua kejadian itu.
”Oleh karena itu, kandalah yang harus menggantikan sebagai pasanganku. Mau tidak mau kanda harus bersatu denganku di alam mana pun kita berada.”
Setelah membaca cerita ini, mungkin akan terjadi perdebatan antara wanita dan pria. Mana yang lebih mencintai dan mana yang lebih dicintai. Siapa yang memberi dan siapa yang diberi? Harus diakui bahwa tidak semua wanita dapat mencapai puncak kesabaran setinggi Dewi Amba. Apakah semua lelaki akan bersikap seperti Bisma untuk menghadapi seseorang yang sangat menyayanginya? Mungkin tidak semua lelaki.
Semua bergantung pada kita. Cerita ini bukanlah sebuah pedoman untuk membangun suatu hubungan, cerita ini hanyalah sebuah contoh bagaimana kesabaran berlapis cinta dapat meluluhkan hati seorang ksatria.

Dirimu di Mataku

2009-04-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

“Well, for what I’ve learned, he is actually the guy that I don’t wanna fall in love with”
Aku memang enggak jatuh cinta padanya. Entah kenapa aku sering menyebutnya ‘suami idaman’ Kurang apa sih dia? Tampang lumayan (walaupun kadang enggak terlalu penting), ibadahnya juga bagus, kealiman juga cukup. Hal terbaik dari dia yang bikin aku kagum itu kharismanya.
Presentasi KIR kemaren gak kerasa kayak laporan power-point atau materi apalah yang gak terlalu penting buatku, yang bikin aku betah berada disana dan menyaksikan secara langsung presentasi itu adalah dia, yah… Siapa lagi emangnya?
Kenapa aku bisa bener – bener kagum? Aku juga enggak tau. Kalo dibandingin sama anak – anak lain, mungkin aku enggak mengenal dia sebaik mereka. Tapi satu hal yang aku yakin, enggak ada seorangpun yang segan menghabiskan waktunya hanya untuk merhatiin dia. Awalnya cuman ngefans, tapi lama – lama jadi terlalu ngefans. Sampai – sampai aku dengan kurang kerjaannya bikin cerpen tentang dia.
Gimana aku bisa mendeskripsikan kamu? Mungkin kamu itu satu dari puluhan cowok di sekolah yang bisa bikin aku nyaman. Kamu mungkin enggak seganteng Arjuna yang punya banyak istri, walaupun sialnya kamu emang udah punya cewek, jadiannya udah setahun lebih pula. Well, meskipun enggak seganteng Arjuna, kamu punya kharisma kayak Kresna, tiap kali orang liat, rasanya tentrammm… banget. Atau mungkin kamu enggak sekuat Bima si Gajah Pandawa, tapi kamu itu jujur kayak Yudhistira. Perumpamaanmu emang agak aneh sih, tapi cuman itu caraku buat mendeskripsikan kamu.
Pulang sekolah kamu pasti ke basecamp majalah kita tercinta, ninggalin kaos kaki busukmu itu. Aku heran deh, berapa pasang kaos kaki yang kamu punya? Perasaan kalo ada kaos kaki bolong, kotor, dan berbau aneh di planed, itu pasti punya kamu. Emang kamu ke sekolah bawa kaos kaki berapa sih, ha? Perasaan tiap hari pasti ada yang ketinggalan. Huh! Anehnya aku juga sih, ngefans sama cowok jorok. Tapi jarang ada cowok yang pede dengan kejorokannya. Aku gak bisa nganggap itu kekurangan. Bagi aku (yang kadang juga jorok) itu sih kelebihan.
Kamu itu pelupa tapi pinter, kalem tapi berkonsep. Huh, susah deh menggambarkannya. Banyak orang bertanya – tanya kenapa kamu bisa masuk olimp? Kamu kan pelupa. Nasib emang gak bias ditebak, Ha. Kamu emang pelupa, tapi siapa tau IQ super tinggimu kali yang bikin kamu pinter and genius. Kemungkinan lainnya, kamu masuk olimp itu biar bisa ketemu seseorang yang spesial, hehe… Aku bahkan pernah berniat bikin cerpen tentang kamu yang ketemu cewek lewat olimp. Akhirnya enggak jadi sih, tapi kalaupun jadi bakal aku kasih judul “Rivalku, Kekasihku”
Kalau soal kalem tapi berkonsep, itu emang bener kok, Ha. Kamu kan anaknya kalem, marah juga jarang. Tapi kamu bisa mimpin produksi majalah kita, kayak Prabu Drupada pas lagi mimpin Negara Pancala.
Aku masih inget kapan kamu bener – bener bisa bikin orang tentram. Dan orang itu adalah aku, pas aku punya masalah sama cowok. Mungkin bagi kamu, hal yang kamu lakukan itu bukan apa –apa. Tapi bagi aku, itu membantu dan berarti banget. Saat itu, aku dengan pedenya curhat ke kamu. Ngerengek – rengek di depanmu, aku baru sadar kalo mukaku waktu itu kayak orang gila.
“Nuha, tolongin dong …” aku merengek di depanmu sambil nangis – nangis gak jelas. “Aku harus gimana, Ha?”
Dengan santai kamu njawab,“Semua itu cuman butuh waktu kok.”
“Ahh, kok gitu sih njawabnya?” Aku masih inget kok betapa paniknya mukaku pas ngerengek sambil mukul – mukulin kamu pula.
“Ya, mbok ngomong tho.”
“Masa aku terus yang mulai?”
Kayaknya pas itu kamu udah mulai nyerah, tapi kamu sempet bikin aku tambah panic dengan bilang, “Lha kamu kebanyakan nuntut og.”
Statementmu yang itu bener – bener bikin aku terpukul tau, tapi terus aku sadar, apa yang kamu omongin itu emang ada benernya. Ya ampun, mungkin kalo kamu enggak bilang gitu, aku enggak akan sadar.
Aku jadi merasa bersalah sama kamu, kok aku jadi ngelampiasin amarahku ke kamu? Itu kan bukan salahmu. Yah, mungkin emang udah sikapku, aku selalu ambisius biar enggak disalahin.
“Masa kayak gitu aja nuntut?”
Kamu terlihat bener – bener nyerah waktu itu, “Yowis, itu gak nuntut. Tapi setidaknya berkorban to?“
“Lagi, ha?“
“Ya, kalo kamu mau cepet selesai, sekali – kali ngomong duluan gak ada salahnya kok.“
Hmm, bener juga katamu, ha! Kalo boleh jujur, moment pas kamu bilang kayak gitu adalah moment dimana kamu bener – bener bikin aku kagum banget ma kamu.
“Udah, gak usah nangis to! Masa preman nangis,” kamu ngomong lagi, huh, andai kamu ngapus air mataku waktu itu, walaupun impossible banget sih. “Semua itu cuman perlu diomongin kok.”
“Ya ampun, ha,” aku bilang sambil ngapus air mataku yang udah kayak air terjun itu. “Aku gak maksud marah ma kamu kok.”
“Iya – iya.”
Aku yakin kamu bakal maapin aku, walaupun aslinya enggak jelas aku salah ato enggak.
“Tapi makasih lo, ha,” ujarku. “Tadi membantu banget.”
Aku tambah deg – degan pas kamu ngangguk sambil bilang, “Gak papa. Aku ngerti kok.”
“Hah? Apa, ha?” rasanya kayak ada Gong dipukul di sebelah telingaku pas kamu bilang ke aku kalo kamu ngerti. Huaaa... rasanya pengen teriak tau.
“Aku ngerti.”
Perasaanku yang campur aduk langsung ilang setelah kamu bilang itu. Ya, Allah! Terima kasih, Alhamdulillah banget! Ternyata ada seseorang yang ngerti perasaanku waktu itu, dan lebih baiknya lagi, orang itu adalah orang yang aku kagumin. Haha. Just My Luck bener nih!
Sumpah! Kurang apa sih anak ini? Dia emang aneh. Kalo curhat sama orang enggak pake perantara, to the point banget sih kamu ini! Tapi sebaliknya, kamu kalo dicurhatin juga ndengerin, mau ngertiin, dan nyantai, walaupun kadang solusinya agak melenceng. Aku seneng kok bisa curhat sama kamu, tapi kayaknya kamu udah trauma dicurhatin sama aku. Waduh, maap, ha. Aku berharapnya kamu bisa tetep ngerti.
Sejauh ini aku banyak ngeliat sesuatu dari kamu yang aslinya memang aneh. Hmmm, kamu itu kalo sms gak jelas banget. Pas ultahku itu, kamu sms nyuruh aku biar ulang taun tiap hari. Kalo gitu caranya, seminggu aja aku dah jadi nenek tuek, ha! Eh, tau – tau kamu mbalesnya lebih enggak nyambung lagi. Kamu nanya umurku udah berkurang berapa. Ya mana aku tau lah! Ending – endingnya smsmu diakhiri pake, “btw q pgn pny pers card! Kn keren! Xp Yg ptg kerenx!” Apa maksudnya coba??? Trus pas kita mau mbikin proyek angkringan kita yang gak jadi – jadi itu, aku inget saat itulah aku bisa bikin kamu ketawa. Walaupun aslinya kamu itu panik.Tapi aku seneng bisa liat kamu ketawa, apalagi pas mesin mobilku mati di tanjakan. Satu hal lagi yang aku tau tentang kamu pas kita nggarap proyek itu, kamu belum pernah pake motor matic. Ya ampun... hari gini belum pernah, ha?
Jasamu ke aku banyak juga lo, ha. Aku inget hari dimana kamu sms “moso nzqul bs canggung?” huh, kata – katamu itu bikin aku jadi punya courage to move on setelah patah hati. Apalagi pas kamu sms “ pnah dnger g ql renang pz musim ujan bhy? Ntar kena petir mak dhwer mati semua” huak...huak...huak... aku bener – bener ketawa ngakak! Jadi lumayan sembuh ni, ha. Di hari itu juga aku dapet foto pertamaku sama kamu. Hehe. Mukamu di foto kayak orang kebelet, tapi aku seneng, kan tetep dapet fotomu.
Untuk lebih jelasnya, hmmm, aku gatau bakal gimana. Tapi aku tau kalo dia itu orang baik, baikkkk banget! Walaupun aku gak jatuh cinta ma dia, aku tetep seneng bisa jadi temen baiknya. Mungkin imageku di matamu enggak sebaik imagemu di mataku. Aku merasa beruntung aja bisa kenal ma kamu, bisa dapet kesempatan curhat ma kamu. You’re the best, ha!