Farewell At the Front Porch

I do not have the heart to face you and personally say farewell to you. It has been a long four months that I have had with you as my boyfriend. I say that it is long because it was so tumultuous. We only had practically two and a half months of peace and happy days spent together. After this, everything fell apart. I am already suffering emotionally and mentally because of this relationship of ours and I believe you were too. I loved your natural behavior and the warmth I felt when I was with you. But then, suddenly it’s gone. Now I had to admit that I’m getting tired; the things that I once loved about him before had turned into something miserable. You’re far more different than I expected. I wish I could tell you how I feel but I really couldn’t. I spend most of my night in fever, crying, trying to figure out what to do about it till finally I arrived at a dead end. “Do I still want it?” At first, I thought I want it to be over. Things between us, it has to be done as soon as possible before it gets hurt even more. Or maybe, it doesn’t have to be over, and I have to be the one holding this feeling inside, which I’m getting tired to do. Tears started to run down my cheeks and when I touch it I realized, if I don’t love you no more, I wouldn’t be crying right this instance. But, no matter how many times I tell you or show you, you never really understand how I feel and again, I’m sick of doing it over and over again. It seems to me; even when I have you, you’re not there for me anymore.

I’m sorry that I haven’t been the perfect one for you. I hope I’m not writing this as my final goodbye to you; it’s too difficult to say so I’m writing this down. You’ve been a great guy and will always remain special, but you have to understand that I have all this duties before we even got together and I can’t leave it. We have to confess that our worlds are different. For all these time that I’ve known my self, I can’t figure out the reason why I’ve been acting so cold to you. I know I said, “If there’s a problem we should work it out” but now I’m giving you a cold shoulder like I don’t even wanna talk to you. I know you made mistakes, made me mad and stop talking. I made this drag on so long and keep blaming you for what happened where it was my fault instead. I guess it is me who’s been going round slamming the door. If only you know what the biggest fear is… I’ll turn around and said “I don’t love you no more”

I wanna be able to share everything but I can’t. I know you told me that you always be there for me no matter what, then I find out that you say that every time but by the time I really really need you and want you with me, you’re not there. I’m sorry that I’m too busy and I never have anytime for you but you have to know, everything that I did, being a president and all that, those are the only thing that keeps me alive, even when sometimes I complain about it, I love doing that and I love the people, that’s why I’m really sorry that I could never give up those things for you and if you can’t accept that, then maybe you’re not for me. Sometimes I think, maybe I can take you to be in it, but then I know you wouldn’t want it because it’s not your world. I’m sorry that maybe I don’t know how to feed you into my world and show everyone that I have you here; no matter how much I want you to feed in, maybe you just don’t want to.

Right now, I’ll keep my heart in a little box and I’ll give it to you when you’re ready. If you really want it, please show me that you want it not just telling me that you want it. I’ll be waiting until you’re ready to make me understand what I meant for you. I’m sorry for all the thing that I did, if you really want to leave me, I’ll understand… Thanks for all the times you gave me, and the all the times you're there with me, I really appreciate it more than anything. and thank you for all the flowers and cokes you bought for me to put away my sorrow, and I'm sorry for the last flowers you left on the front porch. Really sorry...

Cinta Bumblebee I

Apa yang terjadi kali ini memang di luar kendali, tapi ungkapan ini bukanlah suatu berita buruk yang setiap saat tercantum dalam koran yang di antar setiap jam enam pagi. Haruskah aku menyebut namanya atau sembunyikan saja? Biarkan mereka menebak siapa yang dimaksud. Demi apapun, ini adalah salah satu cerita yang sulit diungkapkan, entah kenapa semua flashback tentang dirinya seakan hilang, lenyap entah kemana, tiba-tiba menajam pada suatu malam. Kamu mungkin satu-satunya pembaca blog ini yang memperhatikan setiap detail dari huruf-huruf yang tersusun rapi di sela-sela bagian kosong dari halaman ini. Just so you know, bener-bener susah mendeskripsikan dirimu. Apa yang kuingat tentangmu mungkin tidak sebanyak hal-hal yang kuingat tentang orang lain, namun, apa yang kuingat tentang orang lain itu tidak sedalam yang kuingat tentang dirimu. Terakhir kali yang kuingat adalah seseorang yang berbaring di ranjang, dibungkus selimut orange, terlihat seperti es lilin rasa jeruk. Ada lebam di bagian matamu dan goresan jahitan dari hidung hingga pipi. Baru aku tahu kalau tiap manusia bisa terlihat lemah, bahkan dirimu. Sembari berdiri disamping ranjangmu, terlintas selang bening yang mengalirkan cairan infus bermuara ke dalam pembuluh darahmu. Entah apa ekspresi yang harus kuberikan.

Aku selalu teringat akan dirimu setiap kali kupegang tempat CD merah bertuliskan “Pinnacle” satu-satunya barangmu yang ada padaku sebelum kamu terbaring disini. Feeling-ku berkata kalau barang ini harus cepet-cepet dikembalikan, takutnya tiba-tiba kamu pulang entah kemana dan berhenti kuliah gara-gara kena bahaya. Sayangnya, barang itu tak terbawa saat aku menjengukmu. Tapi tiba-tiba kamu mengingatkanku pada celana ungu yang terpendam selama bertahun-tahun di almariku, kita impas. Kubawa CD-mu, kau bawa celanaku. Maaf aku harus berbohong padamu kalau CD-nya udah diinstal, padahal barang itu hanya tergeletak di atas meja belajarku. Bahkan belum terpikir sekalipun untuk mulai menginstall, entah kenapa CD itu seakan tidak mau lepas dari tanganku, sampai kecelakaan itu terjadi padamu. Hari itu juga aku berjanji padamu untuk mengantarkan CD-nya kepadamu tepat setelah ujian blok 1.6, yang akhirnya enggak kulakukan karena kamu udah pulang. Kukira itulah hari aku harus berpisah dengan CD itu, ternyata kamu memberiku waktu ektra buat menjaganya. Hari berikutnya aku merasa bersalah, akhirnya, kumasukkan kepingan CD itu ke computer dan memulai proses yang seharusnya sudah kulakukan berbulan-bulan yang lalu. ERROR, ERROR, ERROR tulisan ini secara rutin muncul di layar komputerku. Aaaaarrrggghhh, 3 jam sudah aku bergelut dengan teknologi buat menginstall, tapi apa daya, CD-nya enggak kooperatif, sampai-sampai harus kulampiaskan amarahku ke keyboard yang untungnya enggak rusak. Setelah sekian jam merasa bodoh dan gaptek, akhirnya aku bertanya padamu gimana cara nginstallnya yang pada akhirnya juga enggak ngefek soalnya tetep gak bisa diinstal. Mau nginstall aja ribet banget!

Bagaikan susunan kartu domino yang dijatuhin, sms itu berlanjut, sampai suatu saat…

Figure Out Why You Did It!

Why do I ...

1. Walk like a guy, not graceful or appealing?

I'm not gonna change the way I walk. Because it's the only thing Grandma left for me.

2. Sneeze after meal?

That's genetic. Dad does that too..

3. Always talk out loud?

Idk. I just do.. You should see Dad talks...whoa...he's loud. Well, I guess it's another genetic thing.

4. Have a funny laugh?

To make other people laugh too, even if they don't really know what so funny.. at least I don't laugh alone.

5. Watch movies over and over?

I'm trying to memorize the lines, trust me, it'll be more fun if you know all the lines.

6. Cry with no reason?

If you see me do this, well, I'm going through my PMS.

7. Listen to rock music?

It's the only way I can scream without actually screaming...weird... I know. SUM 41 rocks! People who can stand rock music are immune to headache...yeah right!

8. Carry notebook all the time?

I have problem expressing thing, every time I can't say it, I'll write it down and let people read it.

9. Look mean?

I'm only mean if I have to. I'm pretty tough, thats all..

10. Laugh when I cry?

So I can save my self. When I'm crying, I feel as if I was falling down the cliff, but when I laugh, I'm grabbing a tree branch near by so I can pull myself up. That's why I laugh when I cry.

It's Her

 She’s here, putting her mind up above, trying not to catch it back. It’s probably better for her to stay silence for the rest of her life. No complain; nothing. But, is it really worth it? Some people say that she’s a criminal for writing the truth about things and publish it; some say she’s a hero, for revealing what’s right and what’s wrong. It never bothers her that much. There’s nothing much to say about her, no word available to describe what is she like? She’s not a mystery to solve, she’s not a box to open, and maybe she’s just her. Doing whatever she wants, whatever she thinks is right. Her favorite place is, wherever she can be herself, wherever she doesn’t have to pretend, she hates pretending! But she can’t avoid it; many times she’s forced to do it, to hold all the people that she treasured the most.

 She has trouble expressing what she really feel, to anyone, she keeps it inside her for so long until she can find someone to pour it all over together, someone she trusts the most. She’s easily feel bad, sensitively touched, she feels guilty all the time even though she did nothing wrong. Many years she’s been trying to fix it, but still no solution. She keeps feeling guilty…until now. She loves helping people till she forgets to help herself. Is it really worth it? For her? It depends, whenever she feels like helping, sharing difficultness with people, she finds it easy and she will say “piece of cake” However, whenever she helps based on pity, she’ll say “why did I take this job? It’s irritating me!”

 Her best friend keeps telling her that she’s a goob. Whenever she’s hungry, she babbles, fifteen minutes later she loses her hunger. She tells her best friend “Nobody’s perfect, we’re not perfect. Everyone’s a goob, I'm just the rare kind of goob” She’s been together side by side with her best friend for couple years until they’re going to different faculties. She goes to Medical Faculty, her best friend’s at the Pharmacy. She remembers the time they got dump by boyfriends at High school at nearly the same time. Down in an empty journalism room, they’re crying, sometimes laughing in between, and then crying again. Tonight, she’s picturing it, hoping that it won’t happen again. It was a sweet memory of them, comforting each other, trying to make each other better. She wonders will she ever be able to see her best friend again. Because she misses her so much…there’s so much to tell. She can only hope that her best friend will be happy, no matter where her best friend is. If her best friend is in front of her right now, she’ll say “it doesn’t matter where you are, it only matters who you’re with”
 She’s having this trouble appraising why did she say "yes" to someone. The answer is,
  “I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me” (quoted from Runaway Bride). She wishes the answer is that simple, but she will not use someone else’s word. She hasn’t been in love for long; she forgets what it’s like to be loved. Maybe that’s why she feels guilty a lot, because she afraid to lose someone who she cares about. She’s been playing it safe all along.
 She’s a goober, many people find it really disturbing, but he doesn’t. He sees the other side of her. Probably he thinks being a goober is pretty cool or funny. It’s amusing for him, but no one knows what he thinks except him. For him, she collects ten things she hates about herself just to tell him how she feels because she can’t seem to find the perfect words for him. There’s a time when she wonders, “Do you love me because you need me? Or you need me because you love me?” She really doesn’t know what to say, she can only tell him “You see me from the other side and I hope you stay that way”
 She’s a midget! Millions of people call her that, but she doesn’t care! Because for her, she’s not short, others just too tall. Once again, nobody’s perfect.
 She’s average! Well, she thinks it’s true, even though sometimes she thinks she’s outstanding. Her life is like a rotating wheel, up and down every single time. Sometimes she’s at the top, and sometimes she’s at the bottom, however, that’s life! She prefers knowledge way better than grades. She chooses understanding much more than memorizing, and of course she picks remembering more than just knowing. She complains a lot sometimes, but then five minutes later she’s wondering “What was I complaining about?” Her life’s complicated! People might see her as a wealthy girl who can have everything she wants, but she’s not. You might see her life as a paradise but it really is not. She works hard to get what she wants (at least that’s what she thinks) She had to be at the top of the class so she can get her first cell-phone, by the next semester she fell to the third place, her father took her cell-phone back. By the time she reached the top again, she won her cell-phone back. Life’s hard but fair…so far.
 She’s clumsy, yes it’s true…she admits it. She fell off her motorcycle more than ten times, one time she left two scratchy scars on her back and four stitches on her head. It was a horrible memory. On her way to the beach she broke the wheel of her first car, cost her lots of money and efforts to fix it. Not to mention, she trips a lot, perhaps, for some people, falling down is the most embarrassing moment you could ever had, in contrast, for her, falling down is another chance to find the way up, learning to stand up all over again. She sneezes every time she finished her meal; it’s specially genetic from her father.
 She has a ‘mirror’ well at least it used to be a ‘mirror’. Her sister, who’s two years older than her. She used to feel like she’s living underneath her sister’s shadow…”living in a shadow in someone else’s dream” But it’s all over now, she’s not there anymore. She made her own shadow and defined her own pathway. She escaped from the ‘mirror’. It’s not broken but it’s still there, only she never looked at it anymore. She now focused on her own reflection.
 There’s so many things stay-hidden underneath her, she just never had the guts to let it out. Perhaps, she doesn’t have to let it out, some things are better if it stays hidden until it’s ready to burst out. It’s all based on how you dig the mud and how you solve the puzzle. If you ask her who she is, she probably can never answer that, because she has no idea. Well, the bottom line, it doesn’t matter who you are. 
 “It’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that divines you” (quoted from Batman Begins)
 That quote was never right for her. The most important thing is who you are deep down inside. Do whatever you want, but let your ‘underneath’ guides you. It might take a while to figure out what this writing really means but eventually you’ll understand. I guess she has to learn how to stop using the word ‘she’ and start using the word ‘I’

James Morrison : You Make It Real

There's so much craziness surrounding me,
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me,
You make it real for me

When I'm not sure of my priorities,
When I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
And like holy water washing over me,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak,
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand,
You've got to be the only one who knows just who I am
And you're shining in the distance,I hope I can make it through
'Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn,
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run,
You make it real for me
And I am running to you baby,
'Cause you are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for meYou make it real for me

(Found So Many Songs to Tell How I Feel...)

I Built My Own Birthday Cake...

It's kinda ruined becauseI filled up the pan, believe it or not, it tastes good...haha... Spent 6 eggs and 150 grams of butter, and a bottle of strawberry jam, but it's all worth it..

* I sort of burned the bottom part though, but whatever...hahaha

LOL

Old Is A Destiny, Mature Is A Duty

 “Being old is a destiny but being mature is a duty,” my sister said that last year on my 18th birthday, I kept recalling it until this day comes and she didn’t say that again, probably she knew that I will always remember it. March 12th 2011, I’m 19 years old now, still trying to figure out who I am and what to do with my life. Too bad, I’m still thinking about that. Sometimes I think, “When am I gonna stop thinking about all these things and come up with an answer?”
 Well, how old I’m going to be until I find out what the answer is? Could be tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, hopefully the next 100 years. Trying to remember what I’ve been doing for the last 18 years of my life, I’m going back through the sand of time, collecting whatever I’ve got.
 I was in high-school last year, but now I’m in college, preparing myself to be a good doctor. That’s a step up, I guess. How many friends I had last year? Well, I don’t know, but look at your friends now! They’re all wonderful and for sure, I have more friends than last year. Look at Dad; he got what he always dreamed of, I’m happy for that. I’ve never seen Dad do happy until today. This year I could came up with my own decision to make-up my score, which I’ve never done before. The truth is, I could never mention everything that I’ve got from last year, because there’s too much.
 It’s true that I am never able to change the past, but I can always fix it, things keep changing, nothing’s permanent except change. It made me realize that, I would never stop thinking about who I am and what I’m gonna do with my life? As long as I live, that’s what I’ll think about, it’s who I am. It doesn’t matter how much I got from last year, but it does matter what I’m gonna achieve this year. This moment I sing to myself…finding words that means so much to me…

MY WISH
Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walking till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big