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Thursday, December 22, 2011

Farewell At the Front Porch

I do not have the heart to face you and personally say farewell to you. It has been a long four months that I have had with you as my boyfriend. I say that it is long because it was so tumultuous. We only had practically two and a half months of peace and happy days spent together. After this, everything fell apart. I am already suffering emotionally and mentally because of this relationship of ours and I believe you were too. I loved your natural behavior and the warmth I felt when I was with you. But then, suddenly it’s gone. Now I had to admit that I’m getting tired; the things that I once loved about him before had turned into something miserable. You’re far more different than I expected. I wish I could tell you how I feel but I really couldn’t. I spend most of my night in fever, crying, trying to figure out what to do about it till finally I arrived at a dead end. “Do I still want it?” At first, I thought I want it to be over. Things between us, it has to be done as soon as possible before it gets hurt even more. Or maybe, it doesn’t have to be over, and I have to be the one holding this feeling inside, which I’m getting tired to do. Tears started to run down my cheeks and when I touch it I realized, if I don’t love you no more, I wouldn’t be crying right this instance. But, no matter how many times I tell you or show you, you never really understand how I feel and again, I’m sick of doing it over and over again. It seems to me; even when I have you, you’re not there for me anymore.

I’m sorry that I haven’t been the perfect one for you. I hope I’m not writing this as my final goodbye to you; it’s too difficult to say so I’m writing this down. You’ve been a great guy and will always remain special, but you have to understand that I have all this duties before we even got together and I can’t leave it. We have to confess that our worlds are different. For all these time that I’ve known my self, I can’t figure out the reason why I’ve been acting so cold to you. I know I said, “If there’s a problem we should work it out” but now I’m giving you a cold shoulder like I don’t even wanna talk to you. I know you made mistakes, made me mad and stop talking. I made this drag on so long and keep blaming you for what happened where it was my fault instead. I guess it is me who’s been going round slamming the door. If only you know what the biggest fear is… I’ll turn around and said “I don’t love you no more”

I wanna be able to share everything but I can’t. I know you told me that you always be there for me no matter what, then I find out that you say that every time but by the time I really really need you and want you with me, you’re not there. I’m sorry that I’m too busy and I never have anytime for you but you have to know, everything that I did, being a president and all that, those are the only thing that keeps me alive, even when sometimes I complain about it, I love doing that and I love the people, that’s why I’m really sorry that I could never give up those things for you and if you can’t accept that, then maybe you’re not for me. Sometimes I think, maybe I can take you to be in it, but then I know you wouldn’t want it because it’s not your world. I’m sorry that maybe I don’t know how to feed you into my world and show everyone that I have you here; no matter how much I want you to feed in, maybe you just don’t want to.

Right now, I’ll keep my heart in a little box and I’ll give it to you when you’re ready. If you really want it, please show me that you want it not just telling me that you want it. I’ll be waiting until you’re ready to make me understand what I meant for you. I’m sorry for all the thing that I did, if you really want to leave me, I’ll understand… Thanks for all the times you gave me, and the all the times you're there with me, I really appreciate it more than anything. and thank you for all the flowers and cokes you bought for me to put away my sorrow, and I'm sorry for the last flowers you left on the front porch. Really sorry...