Welcome to My Blog!

Hey, what's up, visitor! Hope you guys enjoy what you're doing here. Please leave you comment and say what you need to say. If you have anything for my blog, feel free to send it to:
I'll be waiting for ya!!!

Friday, March 25, 2011

It's Her

 She’s here, putting her mind up above, trying not to catch it back. It’s probably better for her to stay silence for the rest of her life. No complain; nothing. But, is it really worth it? Some people say that she’s a criminal for writing the truth about things and publish it; some say she’s a hero, for revealing what’s right and what’s wrong. It never bothers her that much. There’s nothing much to say about her, no word available to describe what is she like? She’s not a mystery to solve, she’s not a box to open, and maybe she’s just her. Doing whatever she wants, whatever she thinks is right. Her favorite place is, wherever she can be herself, wherever she doesn’t have to pretend, she hates pretending! But she can’t avoid it; many times she’s forced to do it, to hold all the people that she treasured the most.

 She has trouble expressing what she really feel, to anyone, she keeps it inside her for so long until she can find someone to pour it all over together, someone she trusts the most. She’s easily feel bad, sensitively touched, she feels guilty all the time even though she did nothing wrong. Many years she’s been trying to fix it, but still no solution. She keeps feeling guilty…until now. She loves helping people till she forgets to help herself. Is it really worth it? For her? It depends, whenever she feels like helping, sharing difficultness with people, she finds it easy and she will say “piece of cake” However, whenever she helps based on pity, she’ll say “why did I take this job? It’s irritating me!”

 Her best friend keeps telling her that she’s a goob. Whenever she’s hungry, she babbles, fifteen minutes later she loses her hunger. She tells her best friend “Nobody’s perfect, we’re not perfect. Everyone’s a goob, I'm just the rare kind of goob” She’s been together side by side with her best friend for couple years until they’re going to different faculties. She goes to Medical Faculty, her best friend’s at the Pharmacy. She remembers the time they got dump by boyfriends at High school at nearly the same time. Down in an empty journalism room, they’re crying, sometimes laughing in between, and then crying again. Tonight, she’s picturing it, hoping that it won’t happen again. It was a sweet memory of them, comforting each other, trying to make each other better. She wonders will she ever be able to see her best friend again. Because she misses her so much…there’s so much to tell. She can only hope that her best friend will be happy, no matter where her best friend is. If her best friend is in front of her right now, she’ll say “it doesn’t matter where you are, it only matters who you’re with”
 She’s having this trouble appraising why did she say "yes" to someone. The answer is,
  “I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me” (quoted from Runaway Bride). She wishes the answer is that simple, but she will not use someone else’s word. She hasn’t been in love for long; she forgets what it’s like to be loved. Maybe that’s why she feels guilty a lot, because she afraid to lose someone who she cares about. She’s been playing it safe all along.
 She’s a goober, many people find it really disturbing, but he doesn’t. He sees the other side of her. Probably he thinks being a goober is pretty cool or funny. It’s amusing for him, but no one knows what he thinks except him. For him, she collects ten things she hates about herself just to tell him how she feels because she can’t seem to find the perfect words for him. There’s a time when she wonders, “Do you love me because you need me? Or you need me because you love me?” She really doesn’t know what to say, she can only tell him “You see me from the other side and I hope you stay that way”
 She’s a midget! Millions of people call her that, but she doesn’t care! Because for her, she’s not short, others just too tall. Once again, nobody’s perfect.
 She’s average! Well, she thinks it’s true, even though sometimes she thinks she’s outstanding. Her life is like a rotating wheel, up and down every single time. Sometimes she’s at the top, and sometimes she’s at the bottom, however, that’s life! She prefers knowledge way better than grades. She chooses understanding much more than memorizing, and of course she picks remembering more than just knowing. She complains a lot sometimes, but then five minutes later she’s wondering “What was I complaining about?” Her life’s complicated! People might see her as a wealthy girl who can have everything she wants, but she’s not. You might see her life as a paradise but it really is not. She works hard to get what she wants (at least that’s what she thinks) She had to be at the top of the class so she can get her first cell-phone, by the next semester she fell to the third place, her father took her cell-phone back. By the time she reached the top again, she won her cell-phone back. Life’s hard but fair…so far.
 She’s clumsy, yes it’s true…she admits it. She fell off her motorcycle more than ten times, one time she left two scratchy scars on her back and four stitches on her head. It was a horrible memory. On her way to the beach she broke the wheel of her first car, cost her lots of money and efforts to fix it. Not to mention, she trips a lot, perhaps, for some people, falling down is the most embarrassing moment you could ever had, in contrast, for her, falling down is another chance to find the way up, learning to stand up all over again. She sneezes every time she finished her meal; it’s specially genetic from her father.
 She has a ‘mirror’ well at least it used to be a ‘mirror’. Her sister, who’s two years older than her. She used to feel like she’s living underneath her sister’s shadow…”living in a shadow in someone else’s dream” But it’s all over now, she’s not there anymore. She made her own shadow and defined her own pathway. She escaped from the ‘mirror’. It’s not broken but it’s still there, only she never looked at it anymore. She now focused on her own reflection.
 There’s so many things stay-hidden underneath her, she just never had the guts to let it out. Perhaps, she doesn’t have to let it out, some things are better if it stays hidden until it’s ready to burst out. It’s all based on how you dig the mud and how you solve the puzzle. If you ask her who she is, she probably can never answer that, because she has no idea. Well, the bottom line, it doesn’t matter who you are. 
 “It’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that divines you” (quoted from Batman Begins)
 That quote was never right for her. The most important thing is who you are deep down inside. Do whatever you want, but let your ‘underneath’ guides you. It might take a while to figure out what this writing really means but eventually you’ll understand. I guess she has to learn how to stop using the word ‘she’ and start using the word ‘I’

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

James Morrison : You Make It Real

There's so much craziness surrounding me,
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me,
You make it real for me

When I'm not sure of my priorities,
When I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
And like holy water washing over me,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak,
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand,
You've got to be the only one who knows just who I am
And you're shining in the distance,I hope I can make it through
'Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn,
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run,
You make it real for me
And I am running to you baby,
'Cause you are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for meYou make it real for me

(Found So Many Songs to Tell How I Feel...)

Friday, March 11, 2011

I Built My Own Birthday Cake...

It's kinda ruined becauseI filled up the pan, believe it or not, it tastes good...haha... Spent 6 eggs and 150 grams of butter, and a bottle of strawberry jam, but it's all worth it..

* I sort of burned the bottom part though, but whatever...hahaha


Old Is A Destiny, Mature Is A Duty

 “Being old is a destiny but being mature is a duty,” my sister said that last year on my 18th birthday, I kept recalling it until this day comes and she didn’t say that again, probably she knew that I will always remember it. March 12th 2011, I’m 19 years old now, still trying to figure out who I am and what to do with my life. Too bad, I’m still thinking about that. Sometimes I think, “When am I gonna stop thinking about all these things and come up with an answer?”
 Well, how old I’m going to be until I find out what the answer is? Could be tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, hopefully the next 100 years. Trying to remember what I’ve been doing for the last 18 years of my life, I’m going back through the sand of time, collecting whatever I’ve got.
 I was in high-school last year, but now I’m in college, preparing myself to be a good doctor. That’s a step up, I guess. How many friends I had last year? Well, I don’t know, but look at your friends now! They’re all wonderful and for sure, I have more friends than last year. Look at Dad; he got what he always dreamed of, I’m happy for that. I’ve never seen Dad do happy until today. This year I could came up with my own decision to make-up my score, which I’ve never done before. The truth is, I could never mention everything that I’ve got from last year, because there’s too much.
 It’s true that I am never able to change the past, but I can always fix it, things keep changing, nothing’s permanent except change. It made me realize that, I would never stop thinking about who I am and what I’m gonna do with my life? As long as I live, that’s what I’ll think about, it’s who I am. It doesn’t matter how much I got from last year, but it does matter what I’m gonna achieve this year. This moment I sing to myself…finding words that means so much to me…

Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walking till you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

Thursday, March 3, 2011

10 Things I Hate About Myself

I hate the way I talk to you whenever I’m nervous because I always babbling so fast that I couldn’t stop.

I hate the way that I never complain about how you drive my car

I hate the way I could never tell how I feel about you and how I feel about myself

I hate it the way I laugh when you’re driving me crazy with all your jokes and every time you win the argument

I hate it when I make you feel bad because I never ask anything from you

I hate it that I’m not as good as you are in anything that I couldn’t mention

I hate the way I say “always” whenever you say “forever”

I hate the way I can’t stop smiling every time I see your face

I hate it when I make you cry; even worse knowing the fact that I don’t want to hurt you

But mostly, I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Tak Ada Yang Lebih Hebat Dari Beliau

Sayangnya, telah terhapus dari ingatanku kapan peristiwa ini terjadi. Satu – satunya saat dimana kedua mataku terbuka akan takdir yang telah diberikan Tuhan kepadaku.

“Mau setinggi apa cita – citanya, perempuan itu ujung-ujungnya cuman jadi Ibu!” suatu kalimat yang serasa menusuk dipikiranku. Entah kenapa pernyataan ini sungguh mengganggu. Apa yang salah?

Suara kendaraan berlalu lalang disekitarku seakan mengiring perjalananku bersama Mama untuk membeli bahan – bahan persiapan Pengukuhan Guru Besar Papa. Kadang aku heran dengan sikap Mama, kenapa tak pernah terlintas sedikitpun sifat kompetitifnya? Biasanya aku melihat Mama dan Papa bergaul dengan teman suami istri yang tingkat pendidikannya hampir sama. Tapi melihat Mama dan Papa, ada sesuatu yang berbeda.

“Mah,” sahutku.

Mama menengok ke arahku, menyampaikan rasa penarasannya melalui alur – alur di wajahnya.

“Mama bahagia nggak?” tanyaku. “Papa-kan udah jadi Proffesor?”

Dengan senyuman serentak, “Ya jelas bahagia dong! Masa enggak bangga suaminya jadi proffesor?”

Tanpa melihat senyuman Beliau, aku langsung melontarkan pertanyaan keduaku, memang agak krusial, tetapi aku ingin tahu apa sudut pandang Mama tentang ini. “Apa Mama enggak pernah merasa gimana gitu? Papa-kan professor, Mama lulusan UGM tapi enggak ngajar di UGM.”

Mama cuman terdiam, seakan tidak mengerti apa yang aku tanyakan.

Akhirnya aku menanyakan kalimat yang menusuk itu, ”Kenapa banyak istri – istri temennya Mama Papa yang bilang ’ Mau setinggi apa cita – cita perempuan itu, ujung-ujungnya cuman jadi Ibu’?”

Setelah mendengar pertanyaanku, Mama tersenyum lagi. ”Mana yang menurut Nisa lebih baik?” tanya Beliau. ”Jadi ibu, punya karier yang buaguss, tapi anaknya ditinggal? Atau jadi ibu yang mengorbankan kariernya sebentar saja untuk bersama anak – anaknya?”

Refleks aku memilih yang kedua. Tapi kemudian aku bertanya lagi, ”Kenapa wanita lebih bangga dengan kariernya? Entah itu dokter, business woman, artis, dll?”

”Nah, sekarang, mana yang lebih sulit?” Mama bertanya lagi. “Jadi Dokter atau jadi Ibu?“

Aku berpikir, mungkin menurut realitaku, jadi dokterlah yang lebih sulit, sehingga tanpa pikir panjang, aku menjawab, “Jadi dokter.“

“Kenapa dokter?“

“Ya soalnya rumit, Ma. Kan harus sekolah dulu dan sebagainya.“

“Jadi ibu sekolah enggak?“


“Nah, itu dia,“ jawab Mama.

Tapi aku masih bingung apa maksudnya. Dengan kening berkerut aku bertanya,“Lho kok? Maksudnya?“

Mama cuman tersenyum,“Banyak orang bisa jadi dokter, karena ada yang membimbing, kalau udah selesai sekolah, dapat gelar.“

“Lha terus?“

“Dimana Nisa bisa belajar jadi seorang ibu?“ Mama bertanya.

Kali ini aku benar – benar enggak bisa jawab, jadi ibu itu enggak ada sekolahnya, untuk jadi ibu kita harus langsung jadi ibu. Namun, aku masih mencari – cari jawaban, siapa tahu memang ada cara mudah untuk menjadi ibu. “Ya belajar sama Mama dong.“

“Iya kalau Mama bisa, kalau enggak?“

Aku semakin bingung dihujani pertanyaan – pertanyaan yang berliku – liku. Kenapa enggak bilang aja apa jawabannya?

“Yang bisa jadi ibu untuk anak – anak Nisa nanti ya cuman Nisa. Mama nggak bisa mengajarkan, Nisa harus belajar sendiri,“ jawab Mama.

”Kenapa, Ma?” saat itu aku mulai diselimuti ketakutan, entah ketakutan akan apa, aku enggak bisa menjelaskan kenapa takut.

. “Mama cuman bisa nunjukin jalannya ke Nisa, selanjutnya, terserah Nisa mau melewatinya gimana, asalkan Nisa bisa membawa anak – anaknya Nisa ke jalan itu.”jawab Mama lagi. ”Jalani aja kehidupan Nisa sesuai apa yang ditakdirkan saat ini,” ujar Mama lagi.

”Nisa tahu, ma. Jadi ibu itu enggak gampang, tapi kenapa Nisa jarang lihat perempuan yang seneng jadi ibu? Kalo suaminya berkarir atau dapet gelar, dia pasti iri dan pengen dapet gelar juga,” jawabku.

”Orang itu beda – beda, Nisa. Ada yang rela berkorban dan ada juga yang enggak. Nah, Nisa termasuk yang mana?” tanya Mama.

”Menurut Mama yang mana?” aku balik bertanya.

”Ya, semua itu kembali ke Nisa,” ujar Mama. ”Kalau Nisa percaya Allah tidak akan memberikan apapun kepada umat-Nya kecuali jika sudah siap menerima, ya berati Nisa termasuk yang rela berkorban.”

Inilah pertama kali aku mendapat kata – kata penuntun dari Mama. Allah tidak akan memberikan apapun kepada umat-Nya kecuali jika sudah siap untuk menerima. ”Gimana Nisa bisa tahu kalau Nisa udah siap?” aku bertanya lagi.

”Ya, selama ini Nisa berdoa apa?”

“Doanya banyak, Ma“

“Sebutin satu aja deh,“ kata Mama.

Akupun berpikir, doa apa yang akan kupilih sebagai contoh. ”Ya, jadi orang yang beruntung, deh.”

”Lha sekarang udah beruntung belum?”

“Enggak tahu, Ma,“ jawabku. “Hidup aja kan udah bisa dibilang beruntung.“

“Ya, yang spesifik lagi deh,“ ujar Mama.

”Dapet nilai A selama satu semester ini,” jawabku langsung.

”Udah dapet A semua belum?”

Aku langsung memasang muka gundahku, ”Belum, Ma.”

Entah kenapa Mama langsung ketawa, “Ya berarti belum siap. Mungkin masih harus banyak belajar atau mungkin emang ada suatu alasan Nisa belum bisa dapat A, dan alasan itu Nisa belum atau enggak tahu.“

Tapi sebelum Mama memulai pertanyaan barunya, aku mulai mengerti, Mama termasuk wanita yang rela berkorban. Mengurus tiga orang anak bukan hal yang mudah, Papa juga enggak mungkin melakukannya sendirian. Papa perlu Mama. Bisa aja Mama lebih memilih untuk sekolah S2, S3, atau bahkan sampai proffesor juga, tapi seandainya Mama memang memilih jalan itu, Papa enggak mungkin berdiri di podium pada tanggal 24 Februari 2011 membacakan naskah pidato pengukuhannya dihadapan para dewan penilai Universitas Gadjah Mada, para tamu undangan, dan juga keluarganya. Air mata mulai menetes ke pipiku saat terkenang pembicaraan dengan Mama saat itu.

Di ujung ruangan, barisan pertama, Mama terduduk diam, dengan busana berwarna merah tembaga Beliau menatap pria podium berbalut toga dengan kumis tebalnya yang telah tersemir hitam. Air mata haru tampak mengalir di sekujur pipi Mama. Limpahan air mata yang semakin deras bagaikan air terjun Niagara seraya Papa menamai Mama sebagai istri tercantik dan luar biasa. Pengorbanan Mama untuk Papa menjadi bagian terbesar dari pencapaian ini. Seandainya Mama tidak melirik sedikitpun, Papa tidak akan menjadi guru besar pada usia semuda ini.

Sebenarnya apa yang harus dibanggakan dalam diri perempuan? Jika ada jiwa pengorbanan dalam dirinya, apapun bisa dibanggakan, bahkan bisa diandalkan. Mana yang harus perempuan pilih? Karier atau menjadi Ibu? Kenapa harus memilih? Kita bisa jadi dua – duanya, tidak perlu memilih. Seperti yang telah disampaikan berulang – ulang, Allah tidak akan memberikan apapun kepada umat-Nya kecuali jika sudah siap untuk menerima.

Ucapkanlah kalimat ini saat kita berdoa, memohon petunjuk kepada-Nya. Tidak peduli apa yang dikatakan orang lain, aku telah membuat kalimatku sendiri, “Mau setinggi apa cita – citanya, perempuan pasti bisa jadi Ibu!”